Graduation, Identity Loss & R-E-S-P-E-C-T

How's that for a random title?  lol  Well, you know, that's me.....random.  If it pops in my head....it's coming out.  Gets too cluttered in that brain of mine with the gajillion thoughts that come to me in any given day.  :-)  

Okay....GRADUATION...we've got one coming up this June.  My baby boy, Josiah Luke, is hitting the stage (not surprising that Josiah would be on ANY stage. lol)  The emotions haven't hit me yet....I'm still trying to figure out how to pay for everything!  Dang...senior year is expensive!!  I guess it has to be that way to prepare you for the financial smack in the face that college is going to be. Ugh!  But I've been thinking about it all today because I'm trying to put together a page for the yearbook.  You pay for a page and then post pictures, sentiments, etc. of your graduating senior.  Shouldn't be too hard for someone like me, right?  WRONG. I want to find out the dimensions of the page so I can make a digi layout....because I don't want anyone ELSE laying out the page and *gasp* messing it up.  lol  I'm forced to go through the THOUSANDS of pictures from 18 years of a very colorful life.  I've pulled out the scrapbook pages (all 900 of them!!)..... I've listened to "Simple Man" by Lynrd Skynrd a few times, read the Scriptures that start out with, "My son....."  And now.....well, I'm friggin exhausted.  I need a nap.  Emotional overload!  How do you go through years of photographs and memories without being reminded of "What is & What Should Never Be" (Led Zeppelin).  I avoid looking through the scrapbooks and photo albums.  The memories choke me. Yet, my son, my first born.....these are his memories, too.  And there are sooo many good, amazing memories.  Lots of laughs (but of course, this is Siah Jo we're talking about. lol) and fun times, challenges and victories, happiness and sadness, too.  Some very proud moments for me as a mommy that I don't want to ever forget. 


Yet....and still.... reminders of what will never be again.... this is a hard one, guys.  I would love some prayers because it's all making me get a bit verklempt!


I'll have to get to parts 2 & 3 of my post later.  It's nap time for Aidan.

IDENTITY LOSS 

So, I'm driving around Ft. Bragg (cuz that's where I work) one day and EVERYTHING is a freakin reminder that I'm not an Army wife anymore. My identity for 10 years was strongly connected to that.  At Womack Hospital, picking up prescriptions one evening by myself (and in some serious pain), I'm sitting there, feeling nauseous and saddened.....and the FLOOD of memories in that place...with Clint by my side..... it was almost debilitating.  Too much of our family history happened there. Some sad, some happy.  But strangely, the part of the memory where Clint was involved was not unpleasant.  It was strange.  He was a trooper when it came to medical emergencies.  We could count on him to rise to the occasion and take care of his family.  So strange to be there, in pain, and not have him there with his arm around me, kissing the top of my forehead and telling me everything was going to be alright.  It's been 2-1/2 years but I still feel it when I walk into that expansive building.....the smells, the sounds, the walls, the floor..... I've been there a gajillion times since he left us.  But this time...this time was the hardest.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I was in pain and felt so alone.  I'm not sure. It was all I could do not to call him.  But I could feel the tears on the surface and knew that it would be a big mistake.  The man in those memories?  He doesn't exist anymore. He looks like and sounds like the man I deal with now....but he's not there.....he's dead....preserved in thousands of photographs and scrapbook pages. 

"Better as a memory than as your man"

(Kenny Chesney) 

In the Divorce Care class that I'm in at church, I was surprised (although I shouldn't have been) that this week's lesson was on "Understanding and Grieving Losses".  Before the class, we discussed things we had been thinking about or experiencing that week.  I spoke of my sense of identity loss, not sure where I fit in anymore, surrounded by the Army but no longer being a part of it......  I still have my military i.d......until October 2011. :-)  That's when it expires. I still have my Tricare for medical (until he serves divorce papers), I still shop at the commissary and coming through the gate, I still get called, "Mrs. Mulligan", when I present my i.d. .........  Divorce isn't a simple "breaking up".  It's a TEARING.  You don't SEPARATE...you RIP APART. "The two become one flesh".  You don't simply revert back to being your previous whole self.  You get ripped in half, guts and ligaments hanging out, blood pouring.  Emotional gashing wounds.  "A broken heart is a tearing of bonds.  You lose a part of yourself forever." (Dr. Myles Munroe)  And that is so true.  This isn't how it was supposed to be....my vision of our life together.  Dreams.  Hopes.  A way of life.  You don't lose an individual....you lose a life. 

But "there is hope for the broken hearted" the Scripture says.  A broken heart can only be mended by the One Who made it.  Jesus is in the heart business.  You could say, He is the Chief Cardiologist. :-)  I remember, in my first marriage ....hold up, my FIRST marriage...as opposed to my SECOND marriage.... see, I'm not good at this marriage thing, apparently.  That's why I have no intentions of ever getting married again.  In fact, I have been rethinking serious relationships for myself, in general.  I think it will be awhile before I can feel like I can do it right.  Too much baggage, healing, insecurities, bad habits I have to kick.  Which leads into my next topic:

Oh wait, I never finished that sentence.....lol... I remember in my first marriage, George & me used to do this skit for ministry (downtown Baltimore, downtown Caracas, Venezuela, Maracay, etc.) ....it was called "The Heart Skit" (original title, I know.)  In the skit, the gentleman gives his heart to a wily female, only to have her destroy it.  He scrapes it up and God asks for it.  He's skeptical but gives it to the Lord anyway.  The Lord hands it back to him.....whole, beating, clean and perfect.  I've been thinking about this skit a lot lately, for obvious reasons.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Mom says this was one of my first words (it's a toss up with, "Why?". lol)  If I remember the story correctly, we were riding in the back seat of a taxi in Baltimore and this Aretha Franklin song came on.  Up to that point, apparently I didn't really talk, but all of a sudden, I sang, "S-P-C-T"   I'm sure Momma Ru had no idea the trouble she was in for.  lol  

Let me say this:  No matter how much you love someone....love yourself MORE.  Set a boundary in your head of how you will and will not be treated.  Be honest with yourself.  Be honest with others. Nobody gets a healthy shot by lying. Because, trust me, it will come back to bite you in the behind eventually.  Like holding down a beach ball in the pool....eventually, that darn thing is gonna break lose and pop up and SMACK you in the face.....or the face of whoever is close to you.....which could open up a whole 'nother can of worms. (haha....the iTunes song that just came on while I typed that was, "Lie to Me" by Johnny Lang.)  Okay, so sometimes, when you take a stand for your convictions, it makes you unpopular.....but in the end it's worth it....in the end, it makes it easier to sleep with yourself at night....even if that means you're not sleeping with someone else because of it. lol   

I know that I have done some pretty crappy stuff.  Stuff I'm not proud of.  Immoral. Unethical. Dishonest. That's why I'm in Celebrate Recovery. My way of doing things was OBVIOUSLY not working for me. lol  I have to OWN my mistakes, take responsibility for them, fix them when I can.  BUT, here's the key, I AM FORGIVEN because I REPENTED.  Am I cured of my hurts, habits and hang ups?  Nope.  Getting there. But got a long way to go. That's okay. "I'm not where I want to be but THANK GOD, I'm not where I was" :-)  Just because I'm forgiven doesn't mean I have license to do whatever the heck I please (or sorry ....WHOEVER the heck I please).  God has done so much in mine and the children's lives.... DESPITE my stubbornness, despite my failings.... He still has provided and restored and continues to do so.  I'm learning to not turn to MY drug of choice but it's taking awhile.  I had to take a stand for my beliefs and I had to draw a line in the sand when someone started fighting dirty, with verbal cruelty.  I can try to understand where they were coming from and I can forgive the harshness (and I have done both) BUT..... I CANNOT TOLERATE DISRESPECT.  That doesn't mean you don't love the person anymore.  That doesn't mean you wish them ill will.  What it does mean is:  here's my boundary, don't cross it or I take my dollies and go home and you can talk to me on the phone, if I choose to answer it.  lol  Does it mean that person should never be a part of your life again?  No.  But they have to EARN the right to hang out in your "hula hoop" again.  *I* choose how I allow myself to be treated.  *I* choose my boundaries.  *I* enforce those boundaries. Why?  Because I am loved and blesssed and accepted by the Best.  The King of Kings.  I am worth it. 

CODEPENDENT NO MORE! :-)