New Template... A-GAIN! :-)

I know, I know.... I change my blog template as often as some people change their underwear. lol I just need to have a creative outlet and I'm usually too exhausted to find that in my usual ways..... writing, photoshop, digiscrapping..... I do long to digiscrap SOON. I've started several pages but everything looks so lame compared to what I've already done. I look at some of my layouts from before the "Big Schism" and can't believe I did them. They are DANG good, if I do say so myself. lol

I'm wondering if, subconsciously, I avoid delving into the "photoshopping" part of my psyche because HE is the one who taught me most of what I know about photoshop. HE'S the one who bought me this awesome laptop with these particular specifications that would be best for my hobby. HE'S the one who got me into digiscrapping in the first place (when he started adding up the dollar amounts on the receipts of scrapbook supplies I was getting at Michael's, Joann's & AC Moore. lol) He put a lot of thought about what would be good for ME into these gifts. As much as I love my laptop & my camera, I'd like to get something else. These were points of common ground for us. These were things over which we bonded. These were ways he showed love to me. I want to forget that he once loved me. I don't want to LIE to myself and say that he never did. I just want to simply forget. I don't want reminders. I have the kids and they are reminder enough. :-)

I need to remember the lies I told myself in order to get into & stay in that relationship. I need to promise myself that I will never wear rose-colored glasses for ANYONE. I need to pay more attention to my gut instincts and not think that I can "fix" or "rescue" anyone anymore. That's God's job. I need to remind myself that it's not being judgmental to say, "hey, that's unacceptable to me and I don't want it to be a part of my life". I need to remember the things that were unhealthy and damaging and hurtful (for me, for him, for the kids & for anyone who loved us).... not because I want to be unforgiving but rather, in order to keep myself from making the same mistakes again. I need to understand myself more and to discover what missing piece is in me, what wounded area, that predisposes me to make wrong choices in the areas of love. I need to not be so desperate for male affection or attention that I put up with neglect and crumbs of their time. I am worth SO MUCH MORE. I'm a PRINCESS of the KING, don't cha know? :-)

Now, it's never wrong to love someone.... it's what you do with it. I'm learning that it is possible to love someone of the opposite sex, deeply, WITHOUT being their "Someone" or their being mine OR having a physically intimate relationship with them. I have a couple of male friends that I feel that way about.

I love Clint. I truly do. But I love HEALTHINESS even more. I love the freedom I have in Christ even more. I love being who God created me to be, with all of the idiosyncrasies and nuances I possess, that make up ME. I need to avoid putting up with, or settling for, ALMOST..... almost what I want and need...almost what complements my personality and lifestyle... almost what fits in with the bigger picture of this crazy, fun, unique family... almost someone who wants me, pursues me, cherishes, respects and honors me AND shows it regularly.... almost someone who is there for me... almost someone who is faithful and true to me, not allowing any other woman into that intimate place... almost someone who puts Jesus first...

I look back at our marriage and it seems that there were equal amounts of happy, fun, loving, pleasant times as there were heart-wrenching, painful, deceitful, disrespectful, unfaithful times. That just shouldn't be. The ratio should be way more vast.

I realized something about myself today.... and I'm going to risk being vulnerable and transparent and misunderstood or judged here by writing this down............... I don't have enough confidence in the positive, attractive traits about myself that would draw the right man to me. AND I'm afraid of a deep level of intimacy. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of getting abandoned, forgotten, rejected.... I'm afraid of emotionally needing someone and them walking away. Also, I've yet to find a man who can be faithful to one woman. I CANNOT accept that. That ruined my marriage. So what I realized is, while I long for intimacy, I'm afraid of it. Since I don't think I have what it takes or that I am "lovely" enough for anyone to stick around or truly desire me... what I actually give (or am tempted to give) is what every man wants..... it's what will be accepted and welcome... it's what will garner the male attention that I crave from certain men.... and that is my Gift, my sexuality, my sensuous side. There's an old saying that goes, "Women give sex to get love. Men give love to get sex." So even a pseudo sense of love, if even only for those few moments, helps fill that void..... albeit with only droplets of rain on a parched soul... it feels "safe". I try to tell myself that it's just for fun and stress relief, that I know it doesn't mean a commitment or even a relationship..... but that never works. It can't. That's not how God wired us.... well, at least not women. lol It only serves to create a deeper longing to have someone who "gets me" and loves me above all others. Now, don't get all panicked and think I slept around like with a whole platoon or anything. Nothing at all like that. It's just that in 10 years, there had been NO ONE that I shared that Gift with except for Clinton... and I gave him every bit of me that I had to give. I was faithful to him in all ways as far as that area went. It was the ONLY area that he never criticized me or complained or rejected me. It was the one area that I was sure to receive loads of praise and adoration. It's the one area I got "right". It was the one way that I could stop a fight dead cold. lol So I honed it to a fine art. It had become a habit to gain acceptance through that side of me. I have to unlearn that. Not unlearn sex or being sensuous (God forbid! lol) but unlearn letting that be the "selling point"... unlearn believing that is the best I have to offer. It's not. There is so much more. So, so, SO much more. I have to take the time to find it and make a promise to myself that I will never settle for less again.

Alrighty then..... maybe that was a little too much information for some of you.. lol But I'm trying to keep it real. I have to be honest. And no, I did not sleep around.... much..... lol.... (ok, I know that's no laughing matter). It's just something I noticed about myself that I need to be very cautious about.