Nothing Left

I've got nothing left. "Numb" is turning into lethargic. Any ounce of fight I have left in me, I have to call on just to get through the daily stuff. I can't shut down. I can't afford to. I have people depending on me. So I go through the motions but inside I'm disappearing. Inside, I barely care. I don't think I have any coping mechanisms left. I'm overloaded.

We qualify for respite care through the Army because of Aidan being EFMP and also, I qualify for EFMP status because of the fibromyalgia and depression. But I don't even have the physical or mental energy to get the paperwork taken care of. It's 40 hrs a month for each of us to have paid child care so that I can get a break. I have to get the paperwork done. I think I could use my whole 40 hrs just sleeping. That's my fantasy....to sleep all day without anyone needing me or waking me. Not every day. I think just one good day of refreshing rest would do me wonders. I never feel refreshed or revived when I wake up. Never. It doesn't help that every day, I hit the ground running.

I feel like I'm running a marathon that I can't quit. I have nothing left in my legs and my lungs feel like they're going to burst. The sweat is pouring into my eyes, blurring my vision. I can feel my heart pounding in my head. But there is a press of people all around me. If I stop, I'll get knocked down and trampled underfoot. The race won't stop but I won't make it to the finish line.

I have an appt with a counselor for myself on Friday. I'm almost afraid to open this floodgate because for sure, the flood will come out. All the anger, bitterness, fear, hurt, worry..... I need to be able to get it out in a safe environment because I am so afraid that facing up to it will propel me over the edge. I feel so fragile right now and it is such an inconvenient time to feel fragile and vulnerable. I have to be TOUGH, STRONG, STEADFAST. My children have some very serious needs right now. They need to know that there is a parent in charge who will protect them, keep them safe, never abandon them, never leave them to fend for themselves, provide for them and who is strong enough to handle anything. I cannot show weakness. Their sense of security depends on it.

*Sigh* yeah, I'm starting to get pissed off all over again at him for abandoning us. What gives him that right? He left such a mess behind and has added to it by upsetting our world and leaving us without the strength of a father and provider. We're under attack so often because the man of the house has jumped ship and the enemy knows it. Not that the tough times are ONLY happening because he abandoned us. Tough times happen, whether he's here or not. That's life. But at least if he was still with us, he and I could partner up and take care of the family instead of everything depending on me being on top of my game. The children wouldn't be dealing with the emotions they have from him leaving us. Josiah is really going through a rough time right now and needs a lot of prayer. Heck, each one of them is going through a rough time. They each have strong signs of stress even though I try so hard to make them feel comfortable. I told them that even though there is a lot of crap going on in our family right now, there's a lot of LOVE in this house and nothing is going to change that. We have each other and sometimes, that's all we have, but there is plenty of love and that will get us through.