My natural inclination these days is to hibernate....shut the world out, shut problems out, sleep (something I get waaayy too little of).... This morning, after getting up at 7:00 (it's Saturday, kiddos, geez. lol), making blueberry pancakes for the tribe, changing diapers, having conversations with my kids about any old thing and playing with the baby, I took my coffee to my laptop and sat down for some much-needed morning, Mommy time. I told the kids that I was having Mommy time and to please leave me alone for a little bit.
Shortly after, I hear myself saying, "PLEASE . STOP . TALKING . TO . ME . EVERYONE . PLEASE . STOP . TALKING . TO . ME". They are in the back of the house, I'm in the front, and they are yelling down the hall about all kinds of stuff that they want to "share" with me. Now, I'm glad to have children that know that they can talk to me about anything they want, knowing I'll listen. But, geez, louise. My therapist, the kids' therapist, my mom, my friends, Aidan's nurse, all say that I need to make time for myself, that I need to take care of myself. Sounds good in theory, but have you SEEN my life? lol I'm so conditioned to having most thoughts or tasks interrupted that I don't even bother to think about or do anything significant anymore. Then when I DO get a few minutes to myself, I usually just sit and stare or lay down and stare out the window. And my soon-to-be-ex husband gets mad about money or bills or whatever and yells at me that I have it "so f---ing' easy!" Yeah, right, buddy, you keep telling yourself that.
But back to hibernating....I want to, but I can't. That's not a good life for the kids. Like today, we got invited to Josiah's girlfriends family's house on the lake for dinner. Normally, I would jump at the offer, and we are going, but I feel myself withdrawing trying to get out of going. Not because I don't want to spend time with them, I really do, but because my life is so screwed up right now that I'm embarrassed to have conversations with anyone. I am embarrassed by MYSELF. Plus, the kids have really been misbehaving lately, especially Liam. Now, he's daily having fits and it gets really ugly. The kids are so plucking my nerves lately and I really feel on edge most of the time. I hate this.
It doesn't help that I know this MARRIED man who tells me he is dating someone that he says he really likes and she's nice and 'simple' but not very intelligent even though he said the sex with her wasn't very good (okay, I have to say this....he said that on a scale of 1-10 ME BEING A 10, she was a .5 yes, that was a POINT FIVE. I love it. He told me that she kissed like she was trying to perform surgery on his tonsils and that it was horrible. I love it. I know how much his WIFE loves him and is hopeful, wanting to work out their marital differences, numerous as they may be. I know how much she regrets the mistakes she made in her marriage and towards her husband and how she has been working on being a better person. She knows that she is not blameless and has significantly contributed to the demise of her marriage as much as he has. I know that she is trying to rekindle things because she LOVES HIM, believes in COMMITMENT and because her COMPLETE FAMILY is the most important thing in the world to her. She knows that divorce is very detrimental to children. I know that this all breaks her heart in a million pieces and shatters her dreams. I know that they aren't even legally separated, divorced or anything, only geographically separated because of his work. But he thinks because he doesn't WANT to be married anymore, then it is so.
A sad, sad situation, indeed. Heartbreaking and disheartening. But God is able, right?
"you can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away....LOVE THEM ANYWAY". (Martina McBride)
Went to my new therapist for the first time yesterday, LOVED her. I feel very hopeful that I can get some of this "craziness" under control. Not all of it, of course, because then life would be soooo boring. lol In the middle of the session, at the point where I let the tears finally flow, I got a text message from my dear friend, "SuperMan" (an inside joke) with a picture of Jesus in the clouds holding a child. The Scriptures attached were: "be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might" (Eph 6:10) and "You've always been great towards me - what love! You snatched me from the brink of disaster! You, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in Love and You never, never quit" (Ps 86:13). Awesome reminders!
3 comments:
What a great layout!! Glad to hear you're still hanging in there(read your blog a couple of weeks ago too) Have a great weekend!
It may not feel like it, but I think you are doing great. You are taking steps to take care of yourself, as best you can in the circumstances. I've been there, done that, and you are doing awesome! May God wrap his arms around you and give you comfort and peace (and maybe a little extra sleep!!)
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Divorce breaks my heart - my parents divorced right after I was married and it was still completely heartbreaking for me. We live with the ramifications of it every day!
You are right though, God is able. He will bring you through this even if your spouse decides to never come back. Hopefully though, your husband will see what he is sacrificing and turn back to his family. Just as an FYI...I just started reading The Language of Love by Gary Smalley and John Trent. I've only read the first few chapters but it had some really great insight to divorce. In all your spare time :) you might want to pick it up and peruse it.
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