To Scrap or Not to Scrap, That is the Question...

I'm possibly, maybe, thinking about trying to do some scrapbook layouts today....I know, hold the phone, right? LOL I haven't done any pages since.......hm, mid-November? To you non-scrapbookers, eh, what's the big deal? You see, I average about 400 layouts a year since I've been digscrapping and so for me to go through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years and not do any pages is a little strange. I really have lost interest in scrapbooking, to be honest, and that's a little scary to me. Yeah, I know I'm going through such a lovely time of unexpected separation and impending divorce but still. So often, I use scrapbooking as art therapy but I've just had no desire.

I think there are a couple of things at play here.

1. Grief is blocking my creativity - the beginning stages (shock, denial, anger, tears, etc.) left nothing in me to be creative with
2. How do I scrap "happy, family memories" when there's no Dad and the family has been redefined and we all feel it?
3. I have a back log of pages that need to be printed out (I usually print as I go) but I can only get my printer ink online, nobody sells it around here, and I don't have a usable credit card
4. Okay, the truth of it is: it all reminds me of him.....this Macbook Pro laptop, Nikon D70 camera, Epson R1800 wide format printer, Adobe Photoshop CS....he bought all of that for me, for my hobby. He researched and got the top of the line products....not just the most expensive but the highest quality. I toyed with the idea of selling it all just to get rid of reminders of his acts of love but then I realized that I would never be able to buy those things again and eventually this stage of grief would pass and I would want to get back into my hobbies.
   
5. He's the one who got me into digital scrapbooking. I think those receipts from Michael's, AC Moore and Joann's from my paper scrapping days were starting to get to him. lol He taught me almost everything I know about computers and how to use photoshop and all kinds of tricks. I used to refer to him as my "professor" because he taught me so much (of course, I'd joke about how I got to "sleep" with my professor to get a better grade.... bad, bad, I know. ;-) )
6. Everything looks cheesy to me now. I don't even see pages in the online galleries that I'm particularly crazy about. Now that IS weird. There is so much talent in the scrapbooking world and I just look at it, shrug my shoulders and go "eh".
   

But I'm drinking out of this coffee cup that Fhung sent to me and that has one of her designs on it and I'm thinking, yes, I have to seize the day and scrap it. My children are depending on me to be the keeper of the memories especially during this hard time for us. Through Christmas and New Years, I tried to keep up with the festivities, family and fun for their sake and took a ton of pictures (I would've rather stayed in bed with the covers pulled up over my head). But when I look at them now and think about making pages, my heart breaks because their Daddy was not there. We were in PA. He stayed in NC. It was Aidan's first Christmas. That hurts me. But I know I have to do it for them.