What Do I Want?

I don't want to settle anymore for a life that doesn't suit me, for a life that doesn't fulfill me, for a man who doesn't partner with me enough or honor me. Ideally, I'd like to have the life that I want and to have it be with my soon-to-be ex. But if past behavior and habits are any indication of future behavior, then the chances look slim. And I guess, with tenacity and diligence, past behavior patterns and bad habits can be changed. But mentalities, thought patterns? What about them? Those are things that motivate us. Those things are the root of the behaviors. If the unhealthy roots aren't yanked out, I don't anticipate any lasting changes. I need a man who puts great value on his honor and integrity. I need one who I can trust to keep his word. I need one who actively seeks to be a better man, husband, father, partner.....by reading, learning, studying, listening to sermons, hanging around others from whom he can learn (fellowshipping) etc. Just not being a loner, cut off from real people or only seeking "lower forms of companionship" as my sister puts it.

There are changes that I want to make in myself, also. Well, I say, "I want to make", but really what I mean is that God makes the changes and I just make myself willing to let Him. I know that I am a work in progress and in some areas, it's a long road ahead because I have unhealthy roots that go deep.

One thing that I want, and don't want to settle for something less anymore, is a spiritual partner....one who walks closely with the Lord, one who puts his faith into practice, one who is in proper alignment by submitting to God and by being a covering for me, one whose judgment and decisions I can trust and with whom I can trust my heart because I know that he went to God first for direction. I want my children to be raised in a Christian home. It is what I have always wanted. It is what I promised God way back when I used to beg Him to give me children. I promised to "raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" if He would bless me with children. I want our home to be more of a Christian home than it is. I can't carry that responsibility alone anymore. I'm not talking about being just the way I used to be back in my extreme days but rather a natural, day to day, example to my children. I want them to know how real the presence of God is. I don't want them to have religion. I want them to have a relationship with the One Who made them. I want them to know just how much He loves them and how amazing He created them to be.

I don't want to be a holy roller again. I want to still enjoy life without worrying so much about my perceived do's and don'ts. Occasionally, I like to have a glass of wine....or 3......and I like to go to a club and dance (ok, so that just happened for the 1st time in 5 years but it was soooo much fun going out with Joy). And I like rock music and a lot of non-Christian music (not blasphemous stuff, of course) and I like to watch all kinds of movies (not horror or twisted stuff, though), even if there's bad language or sex scenes (if it's got a good story line, I don't really so much care). So I want to swing back more to an active relationship with God and to be an example to my children so that they really know Who He is but I don't want to be religious again. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but it does to me. lol It makes "Jeannette Sense". LOL

So, for me, one of the facets I need in a partner is to have them be a spiritual partner. I need someone who reads God's Word and applies it to his life. There are other things that I want in a partner that aren't spiritual but this is what I was thinking about today. Probably because I went to Chapel today :-). I signed up to be a facilitator for the "40 Days of Purpose" classes once a week. I was just going to sign up to participate but knew that if I made a commitment to lead one of the groups, I would actually show up. lol I also want to start going to the Crossroads Christian Coffeehouse here on Post for their Friday night gathering. It's in the same place where Josiah goes to Access, Chapel Next's youth group. I want to keep myself busy and focused on positive things.

I have tons to keep me busy at home but I need to get out of the house more. It's a hard reminder that he doesn't live here anymore. Too much of his stuff is still here. As soon as I get a chance, I'm going to pack it up (or take it apart as with the desk) and store it in the garage until he has somewhere to put it. We finally got a nice house that's perfect for our family....perfect size, location, school district, etc.....have only been here for a year and soon the kids and I will be going back to living in a small, cramped apartment in a less-than-desirable school district. Not only that, but our home will be run by a single mother. No partnership. Man, if I think I was exhausted taking care of 4 kids and a home when there where 2 of us, I don't even want to think about doing it alone plus having to work full time. I don't mind work (I can be a hard worker) but not with kids needing to be raised. I don't look forward to compromising their quality of living and their growth because I'll need to work, at best full time, possibly a 2nd job.

Ok, I need to go to bed, these thoughts are starting to overwhelm me. :-(