This is a post I found on one of my old blogs ...when I was at the beginning stages of coping with CRM leaving. When I read posts from those years, it's amazing not to feel the kick in the chest.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2008
Hope in Grief
I think the grieving process is doing its work. And I am grateful for the sweet friends who are praying me through it.
Grief is a funny thing. If you bypass any of the stages, you kinda get stuck there. Best to face down your demons, dig your heels in, stand on God's Word, "put on the full armor" and "fight the good fight". And make sure you have good, trustworthy, honest friends available to catch you when you fall and forget who you really are, in GOD'S eyes.
With each "episode" of reminiscing, the duration gets shorter and the pain less intense. I feel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I feel a sense of control again. Not a "control freak" kind of control....but a sense that I'm not sliding helplessly down a slippery slope anymore. I feel.....anchored. I feel hopeful. I feel like freedom is just around the corner.
And for the first time in a v.e.r.y. long time......I think that love, true love, might actually find me someday. I'm not sure when. I'm not sure how. I'm not sure who. But I am hopeful that it is POSSIBLE. For the first time in a long time, I think that it's possible for me to fall in love again...deep, true, romantic, soul mate, grow-old-together kind of love...... without SETTLING for less than what FITS me or for less than what I need or want. It hasn't happened yet but I'm confident that it will. Not only have I become confident (at my ripe "old" age. lol) that I will find true love, I am also confident that someday, in God's timing, someone will actually WANT me....all of me. The good, the bad and the ugly. The beautiful and the not-so-beautiful. The quiet and the not-so-quiet. Stretch marks and all. Deeply, madly, truly. AND I know that God will provide just the right man who will love my children and understand them. Someone who will make time for them and will be loving yet firm when necessary.
For so long, I told myself that Clinton was all I could have, all I deserved. And to be sure, I would have stayed with him til death parted us. He is one of those people that "when he was good, he was very good. But when he was bad, he was horrid." I tried focusing on the good and keeping my rose-colored glasses in tact instead of facing the painful reality..... the reality of who he was (and wasn't) and the truth of the ugliness I allowed him to bring out in me, ugliness borne out of frustration and helplessness, neglect and rejection.
And I neglected my First Love. My romance with my Savior. The closer I got to Jesus, the farther away I felt from my husband. He didn't "oppose" my faith but he wasn't really much a part of it, either. He didn't "mind" what I did with my own relationship with the Lord. He knew from the very beginning that it was who I was. He just wanted me to let him "live [his] own life" and "stop preaching" to him. In Alaska, for about a year, we went to Peter's Creek Church together as a family. The only time in our whole 10 years together. He liked it. He participated. It was good. But that was it. I could analyze the whole thing and write a whole post on what I think the condition of his soul is and why ....but it's not my job to judge him. He is God's creation and it is God's job to make him who He wants him to be. Besides, he's not my "problem" anymore. God has released me to move on with my life and that's what I am doing. And it feels sooooo good and freeing.
So, I guess I should heed my Momma's advice to: "Get over it. Be grateful. He did you a favor." (Yes, she wrote those piercing words on my Facebook Wall when I wrote that it was the one year anniversary of when he left us).
God is doing a good work in me...AND....I actually SEE IT! lol I can admit, with full certainty, that I AM A BEAUTIFUL CREATION, inside and out. I DO have something to offer. I'm not "poison" or "the lowest form of scum there is". God's measure of beauty isn't what man measures. But I know that one day, some wonderful man who loves the Savior more than anything else, will also find me beautiful, inside and out, and will love me, passionately, with all that God gives them to do so. And God will equip him to be able to "handle" me. lol. Because, for sure, I am a handful. Stubborn, feisty, contrary, opinionated and strong willed. lol
Someone will see me as their Princess and the word won't be thrown at me with derision, as an insult. Someday. Lord willing (and if the creek don't rise. lol).
"Lord, complete your work in me, so that I will be ready when that time comes." Amen.
EDITED TO ADD: Some words that my friend John wrote in response to a blog entry on my myspace page a couple of months ago when I was lamenting that no one would ever want me:
Please do not build your walls of protection so high that no one may climb over them to stand beside you. I know it is necessary to build those walls at this point in your life but leave gaps in the wall for some of what the soul needs, to creep in. I see it so often that a member of my gender destroys a heart, twists a mind and shatters a dream leaving a shell behind... and it saddens me to see the shell. Love will find you again, you will accept it, you are more than worthy of it, you may not be able to keep it from leaving you in the end... but the destination (the end) is not nearly as important as the journey. We have no control of what others do but we can control how we react to their actions. I beg of you to continue to love openly and to trust all until they give you reason not to. There are good men out there (my brother and I are a testament to that) and your KNIGHT may show up yet. I ask that you not judge him by the condition of his armor but by the love in your own heart, for his armor may be dented, rusty, and askew but that may only bespeak the trials he has endured getting to where he is now.... BESIDE YOU!!!!!
Grief is a funny thing. If you bypass any of the stages, you kinda get stuck there. Best to face down your demons, dig your heels in, stand on God's Word, "put on the full armor" and "fight the good fight". And make sure you have good, trustworthy, honest friends available to catch you when you fall and forget who you really are, in GOD'S eyes.
With each "episode" of reminiscing, the duration gets shorter and the pain less intense. I feel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I feel a sense of control again. Not a "control freak" kind of control....but a sense that I'm not sliding helplessly down a slippery slope anymore. I feel.....anchored. I feel hopeful. I feel like freedom is just around the corner.
And for the first time in a v.e.r.y. long time......I think that love, true love, might actually find me someday. I'm not sure when. I'm not sure how. I'm not sure who. But I am hopeful that it is POSSIBLE. For the first time in a long time, I think that it's possible for me to fall in love again...deep, true, romantic, soul mate, grow-old-together kind of love...... without SETTLING for less than what FITS me or for less than what I need or want. It hasn't happened yet but I'm confident that it will. Not only have I become confident (at my ripe "old" age. lol) that I will find true love, I am also confident that someday, in God's timing, someone will actually WANT me....all of me. The good, the bad and the ugly. The beautiful and the not-so-beautiful. The quiet and the not-so-quiet. Stretch marks and all. Deeply, madly, truly. AND I know that God will provide just the right man who will love my children and understand them. Someone who will make time for them and will be loving yet firm when necessary.
For so long, I told myself that Clinton was all I could have, all I deserved. And to be sure, I would have stayed with him til death parted us. He is one of those people that "when he was good, he was very good. But when he was bad, he was horrid." I tried focusing on the good and keeping my rose-colored glasses in tact instead of facing the painful reality..... the reality of who he was (and wasn't) and the truth of the ugliness I allowed him to bring out in me, ugliness borne out of frustration and helplessness, neglect and rejection.
And I neglected my First Love. My romance with my Savior. The closer I got to Jesus, the farther away I felt from my husband. He didn't "oppose" my faith but he wasn't really much a part of it, either. He didn't "mind" what I did with my own relationship with the Lord. He knew from the very beginning that it was who I was. He just wanted me to let him "live [his] own life" and "stop preaching" to him. In Alaska, for about a year, we went to Peter's Creek Church together as a family. The only time in our whole 10 years together. He liked it. He participated. It was good. But that was it. I could analyze the whole thing and write a whole post on what I think the condition of his soul is and why ....but it's not my job to judge him. He is God's creation and it is God's job to make him who He wants him to be. Besides, he's not my "problem" anymore. God has released me to move on with my life and that's what I am doing. And it feels sooooo good and freeing.
So, I guess I should heed my Momma's advice to: "Get over it. Be grateful. He did you a favor." (Yes, she wrote those piercing words on my Facebook Wall when I wrote that it was the one year anniversary of when he left us).
God is doing a good work in me...AND....I actually SEE IT! lol I can admit, with full certainty, that I AM A BEAUTIFUL CREATION, inside and out. I DO have something to offer. I'm not "poison" or "the lowest form of scum there is". God's measure of beauty isn't what man measures. But I know that one day, some wonderful man who loves the Savior more than anything else, will also find me beautiful, inside and out, and will love me, passionately, with all that God gives them to do so. And God will equip him to be able to "handle" me. lol. Because, for sure, I am a handful. Stubborn, feisty, contrary, opinionated and strong willed. lol
Someone will see me as their Princess and the word won't be thrown at me with derision, as an insult. Someday. Lord willing (and if the creek don't rise. lol).
"Lord, complete your work in me, so that I will be ready when that time comes." Amen.
EDITED TO ADD: Some words that my friend John wrote in response to a blog entry on my myspace page a couple of months ago when I was lamenting that no one would ever want me:
Please do not build your walls of protection so high that no one may climb over them to stand beside you. I know it is necessary to build those walls at this point in your life but leave gaps in the wall for some of what the soul needs, to creep in. I see it so often that a member of my gender destroys a heart, twists a mind and shatters a dream leaving a shell behind... and it saddens me to see the shell. Love will find you again, you will accept it, you are more than worthy of it, you may not be able to keep it from leaving you in the end... but the destination (the end) is not nearly as important as the journey. We have no control of what others do but we can control how we react to their actions. I beg of you to continue to love openly and to trust all until they give you reason not to. There are good men out there (my brother and I are a testament to that) and your KNIGHT may show up yet. I ask that you not judge him by the condition of his armor but by the love in your own heart, for his armor may be dented, rusty, and askew but that may only bespeak the trials he has endured getting to where he is now.... BESIDE YOU!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment