"Life is about trusting our feelings &

taking chances, losing & finding happiness,

appreciating the memories &

learning from the past"

I saw this quote today on Facebook on a friend's page. It ties in to what I've been thinking about lately. ....well, wondering....really.   I have a ..... situation that kind of blindsided me....a good situation....a pleasant situation....but most definitely, an unexpected one.

Over Christmas vacation, I went to dinner at a friend's place and she happens to be the mother of an ex boyfriend I had from, oh, I don't know.....like 27 years ago.  Her daughter is also my friend, but I haven't seen anyone in their family for over 20 years. It was a refreshing evening full of great food, a LOT of laughter, good wine and FUN.  We ate, played games, drank, laughed, talked..... It was a very good evening.

The long and short of it is (sorry, a girl's gotta have some secrets, right? lol) .... I remembered what a great guy that ex boyfriend is .....and now he's sorta, kinda a CURRENT boyfriend. :-)  But back then, I wasn't in love with him.  He was fun to go out with but I was a wild teenage girl who wasn't tameable at the time.  But on that night after Christmas, at his Mom's apartment, playing games and having fun....I saw him in a different light.....I saw this intelligent, interesting guy who can really make me laugh.  Then after staying up most of the night, talking, and hanging out together the next day, going to breakfast and watching the Ravens' game... I realized how comfortable I was with him, totally being myself. It was so refreshing and easy.  We hadn't seen each other in 22 years but once we got past the first few minutes of awkwardness.....it was good....very good.  In the week and a half that has transpired since then, with dozens of emails, countless text messages & phone calls, I saw how well we fit.  On New Yrs day, it hit me & I felt like I finally saw what some others already knew.... we're a good match. :-) 

I don't know where this road is going to lead.  But I do know that I want to enjoy the journey. :-)  Right now, in my limited view of things, I feel like I have found the one my heart has searched for for years (& I already knew him! Silly me. lol)....but I don't know where God is going to take this.  I do know that I have to wait on my Lord & He will direct me and guide me.  It has been over 2 years since Clint left me.  And while he has had several girlfriends and the one he left me for was living with him for awhile..... I've had no boyfriends.  I have had dates, here & there.  There was one short-lived, long-distance romance recently that I thought I could sustain until it turned out that the 3 most important things to me ....well, let's just say, we were not on the same page....I'm not even sure we were even in the same book... but he was very handsome & I really enjoyed his companionship.  I just could not compromise on the non-negotiables .

But no actual boyfriend.  That is how I wanted it.  That is how it was to be.  That is what was best for me and for the kids.  I wasn't looking for a boyfriend either....but then, sometimes, love finds you.....when you're not looking for it.  

This is what I know for sure:  I love this new/old beau. :-)  I have never forgotten him & have always cared about his well being...even at times, over the years, praying for him when the thought of him came to mind.  I didn't think I'd ever see him again.  He is very good to me, respectful & thoughtful.....and I think he is very good FOR me.  He treats me with respect and love but doesn't let me get away with running the show or being unfair.  He speaks his mind and lets me know (he always did. lol) but the difference is (from what I am used to with the ex) that he "corrects" me, or keeps his boundaries in tact, with RESPECT.  He is still respecting me when he lets me know I've crossed a line. I love that.  He's not afraid to stand up to me but at the same time, he doesn't have to knock me down to do it.  And he is very considerate....trying to think of things I like...planning dates (which we haven't gone on yet because I'm all the way down here in NC & he's in B-More) for when I go back home.  He calls to see how my day went.....and he calls me, "Beautiful". :-) .  Yesterday, he called the Dominoes Pizza down here and had pizza delivered to us for dinner.  I had had a rough day, trying to juggle so many things, and he did that simply to lighten my load.....he even covered the tip for the driver. lol  I was able to have some time with the kids and not worry about making dinner.  That spoke volumes to me.  A simple act of love & thoughtfulness.  

There are still some things that have to fall into place or "click" before we can tell if this truly is a "forever" thing.  But in the meantime, we are just enjoying our friendship & love..... at 400 miles apart. :-)

I am still going to Celebrate Recovery and it is crucial that I finish the work that the Lord has started in me ("I am confident of this very thing: that He who has begun a good work in [me] shall perform it until the day of Jesus Christ").  Some bad habits & hang ups....some unhealthy choices and patterns....have held my emotions captive in the past and have only served to delay my calling and block my happiness & emotional health.  I need to concentrate on my healing process.....finding closure to my marriage with its lost hopes, broken promises & thwarted dreams..... & move forward in a way as to have an eye towards the future, whatever that may hold. 

I am re-reading a book that my sister, Rusha, gave to me a couple of Christmases ago:  The Present by Spencer Johnson.  It paints the picture of the present time being a PRESENT, a gift.  

"LEARN from the past, 

be IN the present, 

PLAN for the future"

I spend most of my time analyzing the past & worrying about the future ("future tripping", as Angela calls it) and, honestly, losing out on the present.  I get so fearful of making a mistake or not having "approval" or "validation" that I just wind up dealing with so much anxiety & losing the present.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed, as my mother is fond of reminding us.  When we find happiness, we have to roll with it.  I have found someone that very well could be my soulmate.  But I won't know if I hang back.  I am glad that we aren't in the same state right now ... & won't be for at least another 6 months when the kids and I move back up there.... because it gives me time to work on my recovery and let the Lord mold me, shape me, prune me & teach me.....and it gives us time to ease into this relationship without burning out too quickly, before it evens has a chance to grow.... we each have our own established lives & routines......his life is fairly quiet & regular....mine is a 3-ring circus, full of unpredictables..... I have 4 kids.... he has none.  

I know this "floaty" feeling of giddiness will subside.  And when it does, there has to be a solid, HEALTHY foundation that will sustain a deep, committed relationship....with the normal ups & downs of life.   And most importantly, I HAVE TO listen to the voice of God and TRUST him to lead me.