I'm not real crazy about my life right now. Well, to clarify.... I'm not too crazy about my body right now. I'm not talking about its appearance (does my appearance really even matter anymore?) but its function. The physical limitations are getting worse. The daily pain is getting worse. And I'm accomplishing less and less.... which is causing depression to worsen. I feel like my adrenal glands are working at half pace. I get light-headed when I bend over to pick something up and I really have to make a conscious effort to draw in a deep breath. Then there's the shooting pains up and down my arms which result in my fingertips becoming numb. Simple things like braiding Livvy's hair or tying Aidan's shoes are just done by determination. I don't feel it, I just go through the motions.

I put every ounce of energy and physical strength and endurance that I have.... into my outside job. I have to. That job pays the bills. By the end of the day, every muscle, tendon & joint hurts. My house is a disaster. I just realized today that the only people I let in my house anymore is the Sternebergs (and their assortment of 'extra' family members. :-) ) but they leave in a few days so now no one will be coming over. lol Oh, people come over, but no one comes in. lol I just don't have the energy to keep it up. I've tried getting the kids to do things but I don't even have the energy it takes to keep on them and keep them focused until the work gets done. It's just so much easier to not bother. So 'not bothering' is what I've been doing.

But it's a catch 22 because the mess and unbelievable clutter in my house is causing me serious depression. It'll get cleaned up for awhile but always goes right back. I don't have the stamina it takes to keep things maintained. I panic if someone comes to the door or says they are coming over. I care but I don't care. I've endured so much ridicule over the years because of my housekeeping... as if that defines me. Never mind that I have beautiful, intelligent, witty, loving children. Never mind that I, myself, am intelligent, witty and loving and creative. Never mind that sometimes, it looks good.... just not every day. Life happens. I can't do it all by myself. Even when 'the man' was living with us, I still had to do it all myself. But at least now, I don't have a cloud of condemnation hanging over me from him (just my own cloud. lol)

Right now, I'm very dizzy, lightheaded, short of breath. It came on suddenly. I ate some beans that my neighbor made and I am trying to figure out if there was something in there with iodine or mushrooms. I took 2 benadryl just now, to be safe. Oh man.

I really need a body that FUNCTIONS properly. ugh.