Feeling sad now. He broke his silence with me after a month and a half to call and ask 3 questions: When was I sending his half of the settlement check (my answer: it's gone), did I have a job yet (um, no) and was I collecting unemployment (my answer: I've been a SAHM for almost 10 yrs, can't get unemployment benefits if you haven't put anything into the system. duh). Then he said, "okay, bye". I didn't react emotionally (well, not to him...did call poor Angela (S.) and bawl and fuss, though. lol) He's up to something. I can feel it. I told Angela that I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. She said, "Um, there are no more shoes left to drop. You're going to start shopping in another store....not shopping at Payless anymore...maybe try Ross..." lol I was picturing that commercial where the shoes are dropping from the sky. lol

You know, I wish I could go to sleep each year on Oct 31 and wake up on Dec 1 (well, maybe Dec 9 cuz my birthday on the 8th is usually crappy, too) because each November, painful, hurtful things happen to our family. Things that I have to be strong for to navigate the rest of the family through but inside I'm crumbling emotionally and really just need someone to hold ME and make things better. There's no respite for the Momma. I need a battle buddy that says, "hey, you go take 5, I've got this watch". I am very fortunate, though, to have the girlfriends that I have and the encouragement and support I get from my family & friends. Especially the laughter. :-) Keeps me from going over the edge. :-) Barely. :-)

Speaking of laughter....let me tell you about my experience on the trampoline last night. "The man" called to talk to the kids. I get pretty tense when the kids are on the phone with him because I have to keep an ear out for any anxious tone in their voice. I want them to have their own personal relationship with their dad but sometimes he says untruthful things that upset them and I have to run interference. So I ask Olivia if her dad said anything else about Thanksgiving and that she doesn't need to tell me about what they talk about but that if he ever mentions coming here or getting together with them or something, I need to know. So, Josiah asks what we're doing for Thanksgiving besides making meals for the homeless. I said we're going over Angela's and Brian's. He fussed because he didn't want to spend the holiday at someone else's house. He's used to us being the host family. Since I was already tense, trying to privately process odd emotions, I started crying, "I'm not staying here and being depressed on Thanksgiving and remembering how Clinton ruins every Thanksgiving for us. I AM GOING SOMEPLACE WHERE THERE ARE HAPPY PEOPLE AND FORGET ABOUT HIM AND HAVE FUN DAMMMMMMIIIIITTTTT!" Then I went outside with a glass of Christmas wine and got the idea to jump on the trampoline.

Oh wait....gotta finish this later. Family crisis.....