Behind the Scenes: No PMA today

Warning: No positive mental attitude here. :-( I just need to vent. Tired of looking on the "bright side". But there are 2 cute pictures of Wonder Tot at the end. :-)

Well, it was nice to have a phone for a week but now for some reason, the phone itself is broken. I've tried plugging it in different outlets and the base isn't getting any electricity....and no, I didn't throw it or anything. :-) So frustrating. And the washing machine is broken, too. I got out the Readers Digest, Fix-It Manual, that my parents gave to me years ago to figure out how to take it apart, etc. But I'm pretty sure it's the belt which of course costs money that I don't have. But it might be something else, too, because I noticed that the drum is not attached around on side. I'm going to take the machine apart today. Wish me luck. And the laundry was all caught up, too.

My tooth (teeth) is causing me so much pain. It even hurts to drink my morning coffee because of the heat. The nerves up the side of my face flare up and I feel like I'm going to pass out when it hits. Even my eyelid feels heavy when that happens. I've been taking 800 mg motrin every 8 hrs but it doesn't always work. I think part of the problem is stemming from those teeth where I had the root canals in AK and the teeth broke off before I could get crowns. Plus, I have 2 teeth on that same side that have holes in them (both have old silver fillings from when I was a kid). I have dental insurance but the only thing it pays 100% for is cleanings. The other stuff is either 80/20 or 60/40, depends on the procedure and of course, they want the money the day the work is done.

Hm, let me see....what else can I complain about? lol I think that's it. :-) It just feels like simple day to day existence and meeting BASIC needs for everyone is so damn hard! Forget accomplishing great things and fulfilling dreams, etc. The brain fog is getting worse. I'm sure the pain isn't helping. I was supposed to call back today about a job and with very little gas in the car, I can't drive there and talk to them. I need to call my dentist, too, to see if he'll work with me. Last week, I put in a few applications and was very hopeful. It was sooo nice to put a phone number on the applications, too. But now, no one can get through. Lovely.

I'm really feeling this debilitating "why bother" attitude today. It's hard enough rationing out the food and being very selective and calculating about what trips we take in the van. But I'm creative and they get enough to eat. But the phone?! AGAIN?! And the washing machine? It took almost 2 weeks of living here before I could even DO laundry because I needed to buy a 3-prong dryer cord.

And Josiah, bless his heart, is involved in a lot of clubs at school (that involve dues) and it's his junior year, which involves a class ring (we missed the order date already), junior dues, yearbook, sports equipment, etc. He'd like to get a job and has even gone to some places to get applications but there is no time for him to work....between the clubs (SADD, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Future Business Leaders of America, etc.) and baseball practice and volleyball games (he works there) and trying to keep his grades up. I wish I could do more for him. Last Saturday, he signed up to volunteer at AIT for the Folk Festival downtown (part of being in the Academy is having volunteer hours) but I only had enough gas in the van to either get him there (and not back) or our family to church the next day for Olivia's baptism (and not back). Of course, I had to tell him he couldn't go. We did make it to church but I had to have my friend follow me to the gas station (to make sure I got there) and lend me a couple of dollars to put in the tank so I could get home.

And Olivia, thankfully was able to get to her own baptism, is missing out on her dance class this year (she takes it every year and loves it) because I can't afford the tuition each month and the costumes. It's not a lot but for us right now, it is. Liam asked all summer if he could join scouts. He's the only one who hasn't done anything extra curricular. But once school started, I had to tell him no.

To say, "I've had enough", would be a gross understatement. It was looking like we were getting our heads above water. I was feeling optimistic. But now, it's all come to a halt again. I am ACTIVELY working, constantly, to get ahead. I'm no slouch. I'm exhausted every day when I fall into bed (which thankfully, lately, has been ALONE because Aidan is in his own bed in the room with Liam).

The fibromyalgia is flaring up, too. After all that hard work, heavy lifting and little sleep from the move, I really needed to go to the chiropractor but couldn't. My hands go numb often. What is aggravating it the most now is lack of good, solid sleep. I got Aidan out of my bed but now I have this nerve pain from my teeth keeping me awake. I get up and put ice on it until it feels better and then try to go back to sleep. Worrying about how I'm going to keep the utilities on and feed the family and transport them isn't helping either. I try to stay positive around them. I try to be an example to them of one who trusts God. But it's not easy. I've been short tempered too often and have had to go to them and apologize. And I'm lacking clarity in my thinking..."brain fog", it's called. I'm usually a fairly good problem solver but I got nothing today.

My kids, bless their sweet talkative hearts, like to keep the lines of communication open, apparently. They LOVE to talk to me. They LOVE to ask questions. So often, I have so much on my mind, that I only half hear them. I know they are starting to think their Momma doesn't know jack because the other day, after Liam asked a question and I answered with my all-too-common, "I don't know", he said something like, "What do you mean you don't know how to spell my middle name?" or when I hear them say, "don't bother Momma, she doesn't know the answer". WTH? Now, they think I'm a dummy. lol I remember years ago, when Clinton was on his first deployment, and I was driving Josiah to school. He asked me some question about a geographical location and I was only half listening and said, "I really don't know". I heard him mutter (as he turned his head to the window), "Great, the only parent who knows anything is in Iraq and I'm left with this woman who drives me to school in her pajamas." I laughed so hard and so did he.

I need to stop my negative tirade, as much as I, and I'm sure y'all are enjoying it. lol Little Man Aidan is wreaking havoc and my nerves are shot. It's like putting out fires all day. Just when I think I have him settled, he's into something else. We watched Curious George this morning and for the first time, I heard myself say, "I know how the Man in the Yellow Hat feels". lol Frustrated and exhausted.


In this picture, he's mimicking big brother, Liam, who was telling a story. That's spaghetti all over him. Like everything he does, he also EATS with gusto. lol

This is his "WHAT??" face. He says it A LOT (and "WHY?")....especially when he gets caught at something. I put him on the phone with Granny the other night because he was harrassing his brother and she wanted to talk to him. He knew he was in trouble so when I put the phone up to his ear, he just said, "WHAT?" into it. Too funny.