*sigh* I don't know why but I just got hit, out of the blue, with a really sad feeling of missing him. I mean, of course, the "good Clinton", not the "bad Clinton/Ray". I actually feel like I'm going to cry. WTH?? I'm in the office and I saw a binder on the shelf that says, "SGT MULLIGAN" on the spine and all of a sudden, I got choked up. Then I saw a picture of us together when Olivia was a baby and I remembered how much hope and promise we had then. We really had no clue what we were in for. We knew we loved each other and this new little baby we had just been blessed with and we loved Josiah. We wanted to raise a family TOGETHER and really thought we made a good team. Clint had just graduated from Basic and AIT and we had a blank canvas ahead of us.
We have both made so many bad choices over the years, choices based on fear and self-preservation and our own childhood baggage, that now.....well, there's just no fixing a thing. It is such a tangled mess. You know, like that mess of tangled necklaces we all probably have in the back of our jewelry box somewhere. You know the one I'm talking about......just one big ball of chains and you can see the charms sticking out....a teardrop-shaped birthstone here or a row of diamonds forming a heart that your hubby gave you for Valentines Day there or a locket with a picture of your kids in it sticking out over there.....and there's that bracelet your soldier brought you back from Iraq, stuck right in there, too. You decide you want to wear one of them, maybe it's the diamond necklace and the bracelet and you work and work to try to extricate them all from each other. Or you could (like I have thought about doing), just pour some oil on the whole mess and hope they'll "slide" their way out. lol What usually results though? LOADS of frustration and a few broken clasps here and there and....you wind up going out to dinner with no jewelry. lol I held out hope until about 3 weeks ago and then the full reality of it all and of where his heart was and how incredibly far away from ME it was, really HIT ME. Maybe it's time to just cut the charms off of the chains, put them in a keepsake box, and throw the ball of chains away.
This is really the end. There's no fixing things this time. There's no calling a mulligan, no do-overs. It's really over. No untangling the gold and silver.
Why does my heart feel so heavy all of a sudden? I mean, I know the scenario. I know at this point that being apart is what is best for everyone. I know that his attitude and behavior towards me is NOWHERE NEAR what I want and deserve in my life. I know that for some reason, we bring out the worst in each other now, as opposed to how we used to bring out the best in each other. :-( And it doesn't help that the kids found an old purse of mine from Alaska and in it was a letter from my grandmother from 2001 saying, "Honey, I know you and Clinton are having problems right now and here's my advice...." (she was a psychologist). Talk about a big crying session! She reminded me to conduct myself with dignity and respect. She said to "remember that he stepped up to the plate and took on a big responsibility at a young age and was going to need a lot of encouragement along the way". And to "look back at the things [we] fought about and see what started them and how they could've been handled differently and seeing things from the other ones perspective". And that "I know you two love each other very much and you have those little ones who are depending on you to make this work. Be strong and patient." Alright, so now I'm crying again....... ACH!
Guess it's just a part of the grieving process. It'll pass and I can't put too much stock into how I'm feeling right now. Plus, I'm realizing that he graduates next week and comes back to this area. He'll probably stay in the barracks. I don't know. I'm sure he won't want to stay here in the same house with me. But it would be good for the kids. It will be the last time they'll get to live with him. *sigh* wow.....this is harder than I expected. His birthday is Friday, the 25th, and the kids wanted to spend it with him. I anticipate he'll stop in SC for the weekend to spend it with the OW. I don't know. I don't talk to him anymore so I really have no clue about much of anything in his life. Actually, I feel like I don't know him at all. That new Kenny Chesney song fits here, I think: "Better as a memory, than as your man". And don't even get me started on the Rascal Flatts song, "I'm Moving On".
It doesn't help that I'm still not finished my antibiotic and still weak and my house is totally trashed from me being sick. I don't even know where to start! And it's beautiful outside and so tempting to just go hang out at the pool all day. :-) I have some important errands to run and I just don't want to do anything. Not because of depression but because I'm tired of running around.
3 comments:
I feel for you - I've been down that road and it isn't an easy one to walk especially when you have kids. The only thing that will make it easier is keeping your dignity and a whole lot of time.
Hope the rest of your road of life runs a whole lot smoother for you.
I will keep you in my prayers! I pray that God gives you the strength you need, just look toward him and he will take care of you!
I know it's difficult. Well, I can't say that I *KNOW* because I've not been through this. But, I just keep going back to the path that God has you on right now. He doesn't leave. He keeps walking ahead, behind, through and alongside you.
You'll make it. I know you will.
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