Determination

This is a hard road but I have to make it through to the other side. I can't quit. I can't falter. I MUST SUCCEED at all cost. I must do it on my own. This is my battle. No one can fight it for me. No one can run this race. It is mine and mine alone. I must finish it and I must finish it well. I CANNOT FAIL. I cannot get sidetracked or distracted. It's me and the kids. Period. I must BELIEVE IN MYSELF even when others don't, even though I know that there are many who do and I am grateful for that. I cannot let my children down. They are depending on me. They believe in me.

Goodbyes are hard. Even the ones you want, can be difficult. I know that it is best to move on yet there are happy memories that make me cry when I remember them. I am an eternal optimist. It is hard for me to admit defeat. It is hard for me to believe that there's nothing I can do. I believe in fairy-tale endings. I want to believe in them. But alas, they are very rare....possibly non existent.

EDITED TO ADD: For those wondering or worrying about how the week has gone with "the man". It has been surprisingly stress free. We've been living like roommates and I have been able to get some things accomplished that I was previously unable to do (because of needing help with the kids). I actually got a couple of good, solid naps in this week. That alone was awesome. lol He's helped out with the kids a lot. I got to go to some appointments without them (like DSS, the law clinic, counseling, etc.). And I've gotten to spend time with friends sans kiddos (Thanks Leesa and Jenny for dragging my sorry butt out of the house. I needed it!) Plus, he's made dinner a few times, etc. He sleeps on the sofa and for the most part, we maintain our personal space.

I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head, some conflicting emotions, some "unknowns"..... But all in all, I'm trying to stay focused on my goals. That's difficult for me because of my propensity towards a "rose-colored glasses" way of thinking (read: feeling!). It is too easy to forget the (recent) past and slip into "normal" family life but I can't allow myself to forget. Things are smooth...this week. But as sure as the darkness follows daylight, the shadows will come....when I least expect it and when I am least prepared. I can't forget that. I can't trust him. I love him still, although it has taken on different characteristics. I'm finally not "in love" with him anymore. But I do care about him. I accept that things are what they are. I have to accept the things I cannot change. I'm no longer worried that I will live without being loved (read: wanted, desired, etc.) by a man. I have seen differently lately and it gives me hope. :-) I'd hate for all of this sex appeal to go to waste. lol