I Miss Him So Much

These are some of my favorite pages of us. I hate to say this but I miss him so much.
The kids and I can't wait to see him again. I have been thinking about the special passion we've had for almost 10 years. I want to be supportive of the changes he is going through in his life but it is so hard. I have a lot of changes to go through also and am glad for what God has done so far. Each day, I have a moment where I "feel" him holding me. Laying in our bed is the very hardest. I talked to him last night and he said he had a migraine all weekend. I felt bad for him because I know how hard those are for him. Usually, he needs me to baby him when he gets them but I certainly don't mind. I usually get a nice sweet loving reward. :-) I'm starting to feel hopeful. He says that he will always love me and *I have to say this because I'm a woman*teehee* he said last night in a text that I was the "best ever" (read between the lines because I can't write all of the juicy things he said and was trying to get started with me..winkwink). He doesn't sound too interested anymore in the girl he said he was dating. I still can't get over that he told me that on a scale of 1-10, me being a 10, she was a .5 in you know what. :-) Okay, sorry, I know this is a family blog but a girl's gotta brag.

Okay, and I can't believe he's actually dating someone and I'm calm about it! Geez! Well, I'm not really calm about it, kind of numb I guess. He needs to get it out of his system, I suppose. We are still married, not legally separated or anything. He just started slipping into one of his phases (God knows we've been through enough) and has TOLD himself that he is single (and probably told others too). But he is right when he said the other night, we have soooo much passion between us and no one will ever compare to what we have. I really miss my best friend. I am sad for all of the times I've gotten that "sick feeling" that there was another woman in my space. And each and every time, I've checked into it (using my super secret ninja squirrel techniques), I have always been right. Like this past Saturday, he was supposed to spend the weekend with me and the kids. Olivia was DEVASTATED when he said he couldn't come to her big dance recital. Said something about not having money for gas and his tank being on empty. It broke her heart. But on the day of the recital, the kids and I had a family day, went to the movies, ate out, went to the recital. It was so weird to be doing all that without him. That was our "thing". Just a couple of weeks ago, we did just that when he was up here. It was a great weekend and I could feel his love so strongly in all kinds of little and big ways. It gave me so much hope.

On Saturday, I texted him all day about how much we missed him or something funny the kids did or about the recital, etc. I was having some stress with the kids and needed my best friend's strength. He never messaged back but by the end of the night, I could feel that sick feeling. That's all I'm going to say. Just a sick feeling. This has been a pattern for a long time. I absolutely wasn't perfect either so the problems aren't just him, but this stuff, it's hard for the kids, not to mention what it does to the Momma. :-( The rejection, neglect and betrayal patterns for the past 9 years tear me up internally and mess with my emotions and make my head spin sometimes. I need to anchor myself in the eye of the storm.

Pray for me y'all and pray for my man! Thank you all for the prayers you've been sending up. He really isn't a bad guy, just has some things he needs to work on but sadly those are things that are not conducive to a healthy family or love relationship. Those things are character flaws that show that something is broken inside. People ask me why I would want to stay with him with all of the *you know* but I know that there is so much more to him. I'm in love with him. What can I say? :-) Plus, any man who can put up with my PMS and stubbornness deserves a medal. Oh yeah, that's right, he LEFT me because he couldn't take it anymore. lol Oh well, no medal for him. Ha Ha. :-)

"I don't know what the future holds, but I know WHO holds the future" Who knows? Maybe I'm not going to be his Mrs. much longer but whatever happens, I know that my HEAVENLY BRIDEGROOM, JESUS, will never abandon me. I can bank on that. :-)

"Life is good. There is no doubt that the vast majority of us feel this way. This is why the most common Jewish drink toast is "L'Chaim," To Life. Sure, there are difficulties, but when all is said and done, we conclude that it's worth bearing the painful times in order to experience life's pleasures." I read this on a Rabbi's website. Can't remember his name.