Stand!

- Rascal Flatts Lyrics

This is my "motivation" song right now. I especially love the part:

"Cause when push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of. You might bend 'til you break
cause it's all you can take. On your knees, you look up, decide you've had enough. You get mad.
You get strong. Wipe your hands, shake it off, then YOU STAND."

OH MY GOODNESS. That is SOOOOOO how I feel right now. This has been a week of battle. "The man" said (texted) last week, first that he was dropping the monthly allotment to $300. Then he gets pissed further and says, forget it, "I'm stopping the allotment and will only pay the bills that have my name on it" (yeah, and about your kids? they'll get fed and driven around....how?). Then he tells me on the phone that he'll "allow" me only $500 but that he's not giving it to me because he doesn't trust me to use it to take care of the kids. Instead, he said that I will send all of my receipts for gas, groceries, bills with his name on them, etc. to him and he will reimburse me up to $500. What the hell planet does he come from? Not to mention that I'm insulted that after all of these years of knowing me and that I put the needs of the family ahead of myself consistently, that he would actually believe that I wouldn't take care of them. Unbelievable!

So I wait a couple of days and text back, "are you really stopping the allotment?". No answer. I ask a couple of more times. Still no answer. Okay, I gave him a chance to recant and he passed up the option so I go to his command (which has been the advice of everyone). The 1st sgt basically blows me off saying that since we live in govt housing, "the man" doesn't have to provide any additional money. Excuse me??? He doesn't have to feed his kids?? The command can allow an NCO to abandon his family (just because he decides married life doesn't suit him anymore) AND withhold all funds and stop payment on bills just because they live in govt housing? WTF?! Yeah, right, like I'm going to stop there. I'm bypassing him and going up the line. My first stop was Family Advocacy to get assigned to a Victim Advocate. I told them that no, there was no physical abuse, but this emotional crap of making me worry how I'm going to take care of my kids, continually putting the allotment in the wrong acct where I can't use all of it, stopping the car payment, the name calling and the character attacks, the demeaning, untruthful remarks, the put downs..... well, yeah. I was truthful with her that I didn't view myself as the victim, per se. I said that I think, when we were together, we each were the "victim" at different times. That's why we are apart. The real victims are the children. That's what we're trying to prevent. Neither one of us likes the ugly crap (and I told her about my temper) that comes out of us because of the frustration of trying to deal with each other.

I found the FAP to be a wealth of information as far as resources go. I discovered that there are a lot of programs available. So I'm revising my plan of action and filling in some "blanks". I wish I didn't have to be such a hard a$$ though to do it. But I will do what I have to do to make sure the kids are well cared for and that I am available to them. They're not going to lose me, too. I won't allow him to force me into a position where I cannot care for my children and raise them the right way just because HE decided he wants to do his own thing. The kids have suffered enough. I don't give a flip what "the man" thinks about that. He's not the priority. And neither am I. Those 4 innocent children are. They didn't ask for this. They shouldn't have to suffer for it while he gets his head out of his a$$. He berates me, saying that I "expect to live in luxury" when I "should be making plans to be on [my] own as a single mother, cutting expenses, looking for a place to live, looking for a job" etc. He seriously cracks me up. He says I don't live in the real world but he has no clue how to take care of a family...in ALL of their needs, physical, emotional, spiritual.... He doesn't know all the plans I HAVE made, the research, the number crunching, the expense cutting, etc. I didn't know I was expected to explain myself to him. Just because he doesn't know what my plans/steps are, doesn't mean I don't have them. Why WOULD I share with him my ideas, plans, etc.? All he does is criticize them, that is if he even listens. He has to tell himself horrible things about me in order to do what he thinks he must do to gain control of his life. Whatever. Have at it, buddy. I'll take care of the kids while you pretend you don't have to. Actions speak much louder than words. He can say all he wants about he "will always provide for the children" but the proof is in what he ACTUALLY DOES to meet their needs.

Ach! I have to stop. This really is only the tip of the iceberg of what I've been dealing with this week and still trying to keep a smile on my face and enjoy my children. Still, when I let my guard down and lay in bed at night, I wish he was there holding me. How nuts is that? lol

I just heard this on my iTunes by Martina McBride from her song, "Anyway":

" You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away ....... LOVE EM ANYWAY..."

*big sigh* ..... that's a hard one.