blue

I am dragging so badly today. Didn't make it to church again. Ugh. Aidan gets up so early (6 ish) that by the time he goes down for a nap, I'm tired and need one, too. Josiah's girlfriend is coming over to hang out with him today and the house is a huge mess. I have no energy to do anything about it. In fact, I have a real "why bother" attitude about everything today. I know that's bad but I don't really care right now. I'm tired of having to get after the kids for every freakin little thing.

Texted a little bit with "the man" last night while I was watching a movie with Josiah. Nothing bad and just briefly. I was surprised he answered me because he has been avoiding/ignoring me. I was feeling sentimental or something.... watching a movie like we had done so many times. Night time is always the worst for me. I miss the cozy, cuddly, intimate times we had and there really were many. Going to sleep at night and waking up in the morning in our bed that will always be absent of him is probably the hardest for me. I miss laying there wrapped up in his arms, talking or laughing or playing with the baby. **sigh**

I hate playing hard ball with him. And I know that is pretty much all I write about here during this process because I need to get it out of my system. But there really were many things that I loved about him and about us together. Sadly, though, the things that don't work between us and the things he does that damage this family....well, they are pretty key things so they can't be overlooked. It's not like they are "preferences" or "opinions"....they are major factors. It's not just the big things he does, there are things that he doesn't like about the way I behave (that are legitimate complaints) that contribute to us not fitting together. I don't wish him any ill will. I really don't. I truly want good things for him and I want him to be happy. I just can't let the things that hurt this family slide. I can't look the other way. I can't keep quiet. It's not just him. I have to constantly ask the Lord to ," search me and know me and see if there be any wicked way in me". Oh and there often is. I'm glad that God not only shows me where I'm screwing up, he also has a plan of action for me to fix it. :-)

I have a friend that says that nothing's ever so broke it can't be fixed but I don't know. There seems to be no fixing this. Seems like junking it to the scrap heap is the only way. That makes me sad. Hell, everything is making me sad right now. I better go do something productive.

Pray for me today, y'all.