Having Coffee with "Aunt Flo"

"Aunt Flo" came to visit today and "her" presence usually makes me pretty introspective. So, here we sit, me and "her", having coffee on this overcast day and thinking about the meaning of life. Usually, I would say, "contemplating my navel" but I haven't been able to find it in awhile. lol I have discovered that I have hip bones, though, so there's progress being made on this lovely "divorce diet". AND this pair of jeans that I haven't been able to squeeze into for a couple of years, not only FIT but they fit LOOSELY. Yippee Ki Ay!

So, what is the meaning of life? To give life meaning, right? How can I do that in small ways? By redirecting negative energy into something positive and productive. But mainly by knowing what my individual purpose is and living up to it and by giving credit to my Creator and honoring him by being what He created me to be. I am uniquely me. I have skills, talents, characteristics that he personalized me with. I honor Him by using them and being who I am, not hiding or trying to "wear Saul's armor" by putting on someone else's character or using someone else's "tools" to get through life. I'm thinking about one of my favorite quotes by Louis Armstrong: "You got to be whatcha is. Cuz if you is whatcha ain't, then you ain't whatcha is." Amen.

I've been worried about having to support this big family and all the time I'm going to miss out on being with my kids when I have to work full time or more. So many details have been bogging me down: where am I going to work and live? how am I going to afford everything this family needs? what about summer time when the kids are out of school....how am I going to afford day care for 3 kids? and what about all of the things the kids are going to need? how am I going to have the money and time and energy to be all they need? what about having the influence and benefit of a father on a regular basis? what about that? I can't replace that. I know I can live without a husband, it'll be very hard and not as much fun, but I know I'm stubborn enough and determined enough to make it work. But the thought that brings me to tears is when I think about them not having a father. Oh I know, they DO have a father and he loves them very much. But he isn't going to be around except maybe a few times a year because he will be out of state. Certainly not for the regular stuff.....ball games, school plays, dance recitals, kissing boo boo's, chasing monsters, working on homework projects, etc. I hate that. I'm a good mother but I'm a mother. A father brings something entirely different to the mix. Something very valuable. I have 3 boys who need the influence of a man so that they know HOW to be men. Josiah is 16. Fortunately, he has had his Dad, step dad and grandfather. But the other two. Well, they'll have Josiah for 2 more years before he leaves for college but it definitely isn't the same. Liam is actually who I'm worried about the most. He is at that age where he really likes doing things with his Dad and desperately needs that interaction as he slowly makes the shift away from Mommy. Aidan....well, he is not going to have any memory of his Dad living with him. How are my boys going to know how to be husbands and fathers if they don't have one around? And Olivia needs the strength and affection of her Daddy so that she knows what to look for and what to avoid and so she feels secure and loved in only the way her Daddy can provide. These are the things that bog me down. It hurts for me to lose my husband, my partner and my closest friend. It hurts me to feel unwanted. But it devastates me to think of my babies not having their father around. That breaks my heart.

So, I switch on some praise and worship music to lift my spirits. Works wonders. :-).....

"I'm trading my sorrows. I'm trading my shame. I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord. I'm trading my sickness. I'm trading my pain. I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord. We say, YES LORD, yes, Lord....amen......I am pressed but not crushed, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. I am blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure that His joy's gonna be my strength. Though the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes with the morning".

I'm drinking from a coffee mug given to me by my dear friend, Rachel, years ago. It says: "He shall feed His flock like a shepherd: He shall gather the lambs with His arm...and shall gently lead those that are with young." (Isaiah 40:11) That's a promise that I can definitely bank on. Thank God. :-)