It's Okay to Cry, Right?

I was looking for something in my pictures folder and accidentally clicked on this one. It stopped me dead in my tracks and the tears that I didn't know were there, came pouring out. My throat got tight and my chest hurt. Wow, just when I think I'm so strong and optimistic, something triggers that part of my heart that I try to keep hidden.

This photo was taken at a carnival near my old apartment in PA. He had already moved to Alaska, while we had to stay behind. We hadn't seen him in 8 months, since Olivia was 2 months old. I remember feeling like I was on cloud 9 that week that he came home on leave. We were soooo happy in this picture. When I saw it just now, I swear I could feel his arms around me and his heart beating against my chest. How is it that I'm never going to feel those things again? I loved him so much and I still do.



Now this one.....my friend, Lain, took a few days before Aidan was born. This is probably my favorite picture from that photo shoot. It was such a hard pregnancy, a harder delivery and a near-fatal recovery for both me and Aidan (especially Aidan). For as much as Clint and me were fighting like cats and dogs before the birth, I don't know what Aidan and I would have done if he hadn't been there during and afterwards. It was scary but he was strong. I love looking at this picture because we didn't get along very well during most of the pregnancy but this shows the best parts of us, the friendship and the laughter. I'm going to miss that. I'm not going to be able to be his friend anymore. I don't want to, not under the circumstances. What a loss.

It's okay to cry, right? This dang country music station isn't helping either. Tears of grief are choking me but I have to remember the good times and the positive traits of our relationship. Personally, I think there were more positive than negative. But sadly, when the negative times would hit, it was hard to recover from and sometimes got dangerous and volatile. They were so ugly and would overshadow the happy times with a dark, insidious cloud. Neither one of us wants that in our lives. I guess we never figured out how to handle them when they hit.

Gonna go cry some more. It's just going to be one of those days. But after that, I'm going to do what my Mom would tell me to do: have a good cry and get it all out, then go splash some cold water on my face and move on. :-) Not going to waste an entire beautiful Saturday. :-)

**edited to add one more picture. Might as well get it all out in one day, huh? lol This is from when we went to the ball. It was a magical night.