And Now, the Rest of the Story.....

Well, it's been 2 weeks now and I think I can finally talk about the tragedy that has happened to our family. I couldn't write about it sooner because I was so hurt and angry, for myself but especially for my children. Plus, I want to keep this blog "family friendly" and minus language that would make a sailor blush. :-) But the anger coursing through my veins needed to subside before I attempted to write it all down.

I don't feel like going into much detail because it has been consuming my life these past two weeks. I don't want to relive the pain because I want to move on. So I'll just give the condensed version (yeah, right. lol have ya MET me? lol).

On Sunday, November 25, Clinton decided to pack a suitcase and move out. It's not the first time he has done that (in fact, he has done it several times but usually comes back). The difference is that this time, we weren't fighting. Not that we were getting along beautifully that day (he had a bad attitude towards me but I really didn't know why) but we had been getting along and had, in fact, just had a great Thanksgiving with family and friends. The next day he said that he didn't want to be married to me anymore and that he wanted a divorce and that it had been a long time coming. Usually that "speech" doesn't come so soon after he goes to sleep in the barracks or the car and I could tell that this time he meant it. He said he had to do it now while he had the courage. We didn't hear from him for the rest of the week (except for when he popped in for about 5 min to get something for work). I was really ticked off by then because it is getting so old. Our children have watched him too many times pack a suitcase and leave. What kind of parent does that to their children?? Whenever he does it, he gets to go hang out in the barracks without having to deal with any responsibilities towards his family, leaving me to take care of everything. I'm sick and tired of him doing this to the kids. I'm sick and tired of him doing it to me. Like right now, I am responsible for every aspect of raising these kids 24/7 and he's just 10 minutes down the road. It is completely unfair. He doesn't seem to have a realistic concept of what a parent, in particular, a father, really is.

I could tell he was getting annoyed with me for a few days because I discovered that he had a private MySpace page that he refused to let me see. He had changed his email password, too, so that I couldn't see that either. The familiar signs were there and I tried to take a step back and talk to him about having an addiction. I wasn't terribly nice about it because really, how much cheating can one woman take? (Dr Phil would have a field day with me for not leaving years ago) But I could see him withdrawing and acting secretive again. He would stay up most of the night and then just sleep on the sofa. I still don't know what was going on with the MySpace but I truly don't care. It's not my problem anymore.

I tried to talk him out of divorce but after about a week or so, it all hit me. He just abandoned his family 4 weeks before Christmas over nothing!!! Three weeks before his baby's FIRST Christmas! He was pulling the same old tricks AGAIN. Josiah said, "is he DETERMINED to ruin every major holiday for us?"

If he had been that miserable "living a lie" for years, he couldn't wait 3 more freaking weeks until his kids had a nice Christmas (especially since his net pay was $33 on the 1st and there is NO money to buy presents for the kids)??!! And he couldn't give some sort of heads up?! All week, the kids just thought he was working. Whenever he does this, he doesn't talk to the kids for a long time. I'm sick of it. HE just decides he wants to be single with no family, starts acting like he is and then just expects the rest of us to accept it and get in line with HIS plans. He acts very self-centered, irresponsible and immature and I won't allow him to do this to MY kids anymore. Sometimes, it's like he got stuck at age 18. Now he's making stupid choices at work that quite possibly are going to cost him his rank. At what point do you say, "I'm an adult with 4 kids and need to act like a responsible grown up for THEIR wellbeing, financial AND emotional"??? It is quite possible to be youthful without being immature.

And here's another novel concept: how about COMMUNICATING that you are unhappy instead of bottling it all up and then just up and leaving, abandoning a wife and 4 kids who love you.

Anyway, he's trying to make this separation of lives happen ASAP, tells me to stop talking to him like he's my husband and says he couldn't stand living a lie or being married to me for another minute. Well, hm. Okay. So I decided, enough is enough. I didn't ask for this. The kids didn't ask for this. I was a good wife and mother and homemaker. He chose to abandon our family. Yeah, I'm not perfect but doing this to us this way? No, that was wrong. So after thinking long and hard and having one shouting match after another on the phone one day (dumb me forgot my Zoloft 2 days in a row and didn't realize how much it was balancing my emotions), I decided that I was not doing this anymore. I wasn't going to let this mess tear me up or shut me down. I can't afford that luxury. My kids are counting on me.

Yes, I would cooperate, but within my boundaries. Those boundaries were that I would not speak to him or be in his presence. Things just escalate with us and we don't listen to each other. We had 3 people that were more than willing to cooperate as mediators to convey information or documents and transfer kids (2 in his chain of command, 1 mutual friend). When he spent time with the kids (which he insisted be done here because he didn't want them in his barracks room because there was nothing for them to do there), it would have to be at Jillian's or out somewhere else. He wasn't going to enjoy the "perks" of a family and a home but not partake in the responsibilities. This all made him furious. He wasn't too crazy about not having access to me. Oh well, not my problem anymore. I would be as agreeable as possible but he had to respect my boundaries. He made his bed, he'd have to lie in it and realize that there are consequences for your actions. I couldn't afford to lose my peace during this process. I have kids who need me to be strong and to maintain a safe place for them in the midst of losing their family as they knew it.

Well, the more time went on with me refusing to speak to him or meet with him, he got worse and worse with his bullying tactics. He tried every threat he could think of. He even called my mother, trying to get her to make me talk to him (um, hello, I'm 43 years old! She couldn't make me do anything even when I was 18! lol). He tried financial threats, court order threats, insults, etc. I told him that there was no court of law that would ORDER me to talk to him. As long as I met my obligation of not keeping the kids from him (which I won't do IF he initiates contact, which is a problem) and I had an alternative means of making a separation agreement, I was well within my rights to protect myself. I stood my ground. I wasn't going to enable his erratic behavior anymore. And I wasn't going to put myself in a position to get so frustrated that I would act erratic myself. I told him to bring it on because I wasn't going to back down. This was what was best for all involved, especially the kids.

On Friday, we emailed each other (the only means of direct communication I would allow) throughout the day. They started off ROUGH but through the course of the day, we were able to come to some resolutions, the first time since he left. We exchanged almost 100 emails that day. We were both able to get all of our thoughts out without being interrupted or fearing physical retaliation. It's a shame we didn't figure out the advantages and power of email when we were together. I wonder how much fighting could've been avoided if one of us would've just taken the laptop somewhere else and emailed each other until we came to a resolution. By the end of the day, I asked him to come over to talk some more (after seeing that the storm of anger had passed in both of us) and to see the kids (in almost 2 wks, he had spent only about 10 hrs with them and they really missed him. Well, not so much Josiah. He's pretty much done with Clinton. Such a shame.) We had gotten to the point of being very civil and respectful to each other, big huge difference. I know someone's praying.

When he went back to the barracks later that night, he made some stupid choices unbecoming of an NCO. It wasn't the first time this week but this time, he's going to suffer heavy consequences. Frankly, it wouldn't have happened had he been where he was supposed to be...at home with his family being a responsible grown up instead of trying to be "cool" with some idiot joes.

My birthday was yesterday and it is always a time of reflection for me to take inventory of my life, where I'm going, where I've been, etc. (some real Dr. Phil and Oprah stuff. lol) Jillian took me to lunch at Olive Garden and we had a good talk. I realized yesterday that I TRULY want this divorce. I love Clinton but we can't be married (what he's been saying all along, he loves me but he can't be married to me). Before, I thought we didn't have a right to make that choice because we had 4 kids depending on us providing a family for them and that we would just have to suck up not having the marriage we wanted. But now, I find myself being very grateful that he gave me this opportunity to be free. I wouldn't have initiated this break up myself. But now, my conscience is clear. I know that I did everything in my power to prevent the divorce. I know that I did it for my kids, forfeiting my own dreams of being cherished by a stable man and having a fulfilling love relationship with someone who partnered with me and shared my dreams for this family. But this relationship brought out the worst in me. I asked George about what kind of person and wife he remembers me being. It sounds like a completely different woman. Another difference is that my relationship with God was so much stronger. I really spent a lot of time trying to please God which I believe made me a better person all around.

Clinton was often unreasonable, moody, angry, withdrawn and unfaithful. Often people have asked me if he was bipolar or something and I would just blow it off, blaming myself for his every dark mood or burst of anger. Yes, there are times that they were my fault but not all the ones that I told myself there were. I'd think, if I could just be a better wife, he wouldn't be like this. I'd try every psychological tactic I could remember (even reading articles and books to learn more) to figure out how to deal with him and how to improve myself. I lost my temper too many times. I acted very ugly in ways I wish I could forget. My own personality seemed to recede around him. I usually felt that he didn't like me at all. He would be so full of personality, thoughtful, responsible, considerate when others were here. I loved watching him like that. At those times, I'd look at him and think, 'if he wasn't mine already, I would definitely go for him'. But too often, that would recede when people left and it was just me. When I'd say something like it felt like he was the only one who didn't really like me or think I was wonderful, he'd say it was because the others didn't have to live with me. Lovely. What he didn't consider is that the people who had the strongest sentiment that I was wonderful WERE people who had lived with me....AND for more years than he had....my parents, my sisters, my ex-husband, my kids...

Well, to wrap this up, we are getting divorced and I am truly looking forward to the new things that are going to happen in my life. I've been fighting to reconcile but in these past 2 days, I realize that I have a great opportunity to start over with a clear conscience before God. I was never unfaithful to him and I never abandoned this family. Sadly for him, he can't stand before God and say those things for himself. I know that I truly want this because I realized that if he said he didn't want a divorce after all and moved back in tomorrow, it would throw me into depression. It would feel like getting stuffed into a closet. I do love him, I sincerely do. And we still have strong physical chemistry with each other (which is really going to suck to have to live without) but we are like oil and water and just exist from day to day. We don't have the same value system or view family dynamics the same way. We will do much better apart. First and foremost, we must agree to put our differences aside for the children's wellbeing.