"I Gotta Be Me....."

One of the characteristics about myself that I like is that I'm sacrificial. Sounds so noble, doesn't it? When I asked my hubby for help with words that describe me, the first one he said was sacrificial. But it dawned on me today, "sacrificial" doesn't need to be synonymous with "looking like something the cat threw up". I give the best of my time and energy (what little I have anymore) to the people I love, specifically to the ones who live in this house. I'm pretty sure that my friends feel neglected (it's been so long since I've even had contact with some of them) but since I had my not-so-little brush with death, my perspective has changed. Everything I have, I want to pour into my kiddos. If I am gone, my friends will find other friends but my children will never have another mother (at least not one as good to them as I am. ;-) ).

Anyway, back to me. :-) I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. I see a middle-aged, fat, frumpy, lack luster, gray-haired woman. How she got into my bathroom, I'll never know. But there she is, staring back at me, looking perplexed (she doesn't know how she got in here either. lol). I need to make some major changes. I'm not talking the Ultimate Makeover variety (although if "What Not to Wear" showed up at my door with a $5,000 credit card with my name on it and a plane ticket to New York, I wouldn't turn them down). I can dye my hair and buy a new pair of pants. That would make me feel good temporarily. What I really need is an attitude adjustment that allows me to take care of myself. Subconsciously, I've equated "taking care of myself" with selfishness. I've read the articles that say that's not so but deep down in my craw, that's the attitude that pervades. I need to get in the habit of regular "maintenance" of me. Sometimes, I do. But life hits hard and fast most of the time and I don't get around to it (I need one of those "round tuits"). The thing is that it affects the way I view myself (when I actually view myself). It affects my confidence and assertiveness. It affects my patience and my calmness (or lack thereof). It affects the quality of time I spend with my loved ones. Yes, indeedy, I am the center of my universe. lol I don't mean that the way it sounds. God is the center of my universe. But I believe He expects me to take care of myself. I'm thinking about a mother putting on her oxygen mask before she can get her kid's mask on. Apparently, that's a good way to do it. My thought, when the flight attendant gives that little speech, is that "um, NO, I'll just hold my breath, move at lightning speed and hook up my babies" I have a hard time getting it through my head. But I hear that's really the way to do it. So I need to work on staying healthy and strong and rested and whatever else is needed to make me a well-oiled machine so that I am the best me that I can be in order to do the things that I believe I was put on this earth to do......raise fantabulous, productive, self-confident, compassionate, intelligent, witty, loving, competent, nurturing, godly people (well, only the 4 that are in my charge :-) ).

So, the impetus of all of this rambling was that I just made up my mind today to accomplish some things. After I went to my WIC appt and then over to sign Livvy up for hip-hop/jazz, I went to the PX, bought some hair dye, stopped in at the optometrist and made an eye appt (all this time, I didn't know that Tricare covered a yearly eye exam. I've been paying a good chunk to go to Lenscrafters). Later, I'm going to pluck these caterpillars above my eyes. Hopefully, I can free up some money soon to buy clothes (that actually fit and are up to date). I'm thinking a new bra that FITS would be a good idea, too. These milk jugs I'm toting around have me looking like the Lums Lady (ok, quick background for those of you who aren't my sister, Rusha.....when we were kids, about 30 some years ago, we were eating dinner at a restaurant called Lums in Timonium, MD. There was this lady across the aisle who was relatively thin but she had these huge boobs around her waist! We couldn't stop staring at her. She looked like a freak of nature. We certainly, in our pre-pubescent state, couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with her. So, that became known as a "condition" called "The Lums Lady").

I came home to blog (and feed the baby at the same time). Which brings up another "gotta be me" point....I HAVE TO write. I feel like a stopped-up well filled with debris when I don't write for long periods of time. I've got words in me. So they may not be literary prize material and they may not change lives, but I've just got to "bleed the valve" once in awhile because I'm getting backed up (and the Coulace doesn't work for that, if you know what I mean. lol). I don't have many people to talk to (or rather, that don't get sick of hearing me talk). Actually, if I stepped out, there really are people with whom I could talk. It's just hard to find the time. I can be quite the Chatty Cathy and it gets on people's nerves. But yet and still, it's hard to keep it in. I've got to work the way I'm wired. And God wired me with lots of words. So, I've got to write. That way, I get the "need" out and don't overwhelm people. It's a win/win. :-)