thoughts

I should write about how things have transpired in the last 24+ hours. I hate to leave the last 2 entries. Things have gotten much better. But as always, I am so tired. I'm thinking about just closing up this blog. I rarely have the mental fortitude to post much of anything. So much more happens in our lives and I have so many thoughts about things but it all looks so random and just a small part of the larger picture on here.

I feel internal pressure to fill in the blanks and paint the whole picture but I just don't have the brain power anymore. So many good things have happened, so many answers to prayer, so many thoughts....... but I'm feeling a bit closed up...... like I want to keep so much to myself. I don't want to be so public anymore. At least, not for now.

I have painted a horrible picture of Clinton, and YES, to be sure, he has done some very horrible things and put our family in such a bad way too often this past year....... but...... I have been seeing him more as a human being lately. I WON'T shift my boundaries and I WON'T excuse his selfish, irrational behavior.....HOWEVER, I don't want to broadcast his sins anymore. I have to forgive. I have to move on. I will continue to post specific things where prayer is needed, though.

I like that he is in GA and not up here. Life is more predictable and peaceful without throwing his unpredictability and temper into the mix. But, it is nice to have the kids be with him and I have time to myself for whatever. Like today and tonight. When it was all said and done..... and explained.... the kids really are safe being with him at this time. And they really had a great time last night. Tensions were running high, on both sides, and by him going outside the agreement..... that HIS lawyer initiated...... and him losing his temper towards Angela, I was ready for a fight. I haven't had to be on full alert status like that with him for a long time. I was just expecting that ANYTHING could happen. I needed to calm down and trust God.... AND be quiet long enough to hear God's still small voice instructing me. I MUST keep my emotions in check. When they run amok.... all hell breaks loose. I have been trying to "challenge" myself to not react emotionally to things but certain areas need a bit more work before I can master them.

He gave them their Christmas presents, that I noticed he put a lot of thought into, thinking about each one and what they would like. All 4 of them spent the day and now the night with him. I got to watch movies, drink Pinot Grigio, eat junk food......... all by candlelight and all by myself. Watched "Must Love Dogs" and have decided that it is my new favorite movie. :-) It made me feel hopeful, in a light-hearted way. Someday......someone......somewhere...... all of me...... forever...... :-) lol Just not Clinton and doubtful that it's even anyone I already know.

Need to sleep, even though I feel like I should take more advantage of this time of being "off duty". But I'm thinking that going to sleep and not having to wake up to take care of anyone is "break" enough. lol It IS nice to have a "weekend dad" around. But while he is harboring this insidious resentment and vile contempt for ME...... it is thee best thing for all of us that he lives so far away.

I am eternally grateful for the friends that we have in our lives right now. God always provides just the ones we need at each stage of our journey. I am so thankful for that. We have such a great support system. I couldn't ask for more. People that are genuinely caring for each member of this family. People that pray and go the extra mile..... and then some. People that believe in us and pick us up, dust us off, encourage us and point us in the right direction when we lose our way or clarity. I have such a variety of friends. Some don't even know each other. But each is a part of the puzzle (or a "section of my pie", as my boss puts it) Each and every one of you is very important to me...... and to the kids. Thank you. I love you all (and I am saying that WITHOUT being on anti-anxiety meds...... ahem....). I am blessed. Our family is strong, too, and we are blessed with good "genes". I love how you all love me and the kids, each in your own unique way, each fulfilling the specific role that God gave you.

May His blessings return to you a hundred fold. :-)

P.S. I forgot to post the outcome of court. I was awarded double the amount he was giving for child support. The judge didn't award post-separation support, although she said that I certainly had reasonable need for it...... because he didn't have enough income left after child support and his own basic living expenses to leave anything for spousal support. But he brought an LES from November so my lawyer said she will appeal at a later date. It was an "interesting" day, to say the least. He was not a happy camper to be relieved of roughly half of his paycheck. But oh well. The judge didn't have a whole lot of sympathy. My lawyer was on point and amazing. His lawyer was a disorganized idiot.