More "Advice" :-)

My friends strike again! lol This was my horoscope today. You guys have mad ninja skills, I tell ya. :-)

"Holding onto your ideals is admirable -- you should never be embarrassed for wanting a more peaceful or loving world. But when you refuse to see the dirt and the reality of life, you put yourself at a disadvantage. Today you need to balance your idealism with reality. There are many things you can make better, but there are some things that you just can't fix. Focus on what you can do -- call up a blue friend and crack a few jokes. It's a great way to regain your bright attitude about life."

While we have sad memories surrounding Thanksgivings in this family, we actually have a lot of happy ones surrounding Christmas. It was hard putting up the tree without him. That was his and Josiah's job. I don't even know how to put the darn thing together. He did get into Christmas with us. It took a little "training" but he caught on. lol

I bring that up because this time of year, I get the rose-colored glasses out and start to feel sentimental. Every little family tradition. Every cute and wondrous thing the children do. The crisp air. The smell of pine. The lights. The stupid "couple-y" commercials..... So many things that make me think, "Oh it wasn't THAT bad. He wasn't a bad sort" And of course, because I want to think warm thoughts towards him and not be "mean" or "unfair", I focus on all the things that I did wrong. And then, like yesterday, whenever there's a sign that the kids are having a rough time, missing their Daddy....I blame myself for "driving him away". "If only I...... wasn't such a bitch.... had lower standards.... wasn't so bossy.... didn't lose my temper.... was prettier..... was thinner..... had a job to contribute to the expenses.... was more organized..... didn't talk so much..... was a better housekeeper.... ad infinitum ..." Thank God for friends and family who will verbally "slap me upside the head" (and sometimes physically! lol) when I blame myself for him leaving.

I am just sooo painfully aware of my own shortcomings lately. Physically and mentally, I haven't had the werewithal to overcome or override them as well as I could before. I think that I have gone through such intense stress for such a long period of time that it has actually changed my chemistry. The periods of calm and sense of strength are happening less frequently and lasting for shorter periods of time. It worries me yet I know that help and solutions are right around the corner. I've been having trouble with my sequential thinking, spatial and abstract reasoning, etc. Real difficulty. And forgetful? Yikes, I have been so forgetful.

I think that everything is just coming to a head and it's time for me to take care of it. I have no more internal resources to draw from. My well is empty. Not my spiritual well. My faith is strong. My confidence in God's ability to take care of me is also strong. I'm just mentally exhausted.

And now, I am physically exhausted to the point where I think I can actually sleep so that is what I should do. :-) I had a mad migraine today. It lifted long enough late in the afternoon for me to spend some time outside with the kids, raking leaves and straw, while they played on the trampoline or climbed trees. I worked on some decorations and then watched America's Funniest Videos and Santa Clause 2 with them. Then the migraine started to come back. I took a pain killer and now I feel comfortably drowsy. :-) I just have to get everybody out of my bed so I can lay down. lol I'm at my desk in my room, listening to nice music. I have white lights in a ficus tree next to the bed and Aidan and Josiah (who has been sick) are both snoring, curled up under the quilts. I can't blame them. When I was a kid, my mom's bed felt like the most comfortable place, too.

Well, good night and sweet dreams to me. Zzzzzzzz.......... lol