Priorities: Keeping the Engine Before the Caboose

i'm finding myself in the midst of You
beyond the music
beyond the noise
all that i need
is to be with You
and in the quiet
hear Your voice
Word of God speak
won't You pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
to be still and know
that You're in this place
please let me stay and rest
in Your holiness
Word of God speak

i'm finding myself
at a loss for words
and the funny thing is
it's okay.


I sat down to write. For sure, I have so many words in me, vying for attention, trying to get out. And so many things outside my body, vying for attention as well......kids to get ready for church, a shower to take, chili to make, last minute pick up around the house before company comes by..... I'm trying to take some alone time but I feel like a bundle of anxiety, typical fair for me these days. When I settle, stuff happens...like yesterday when I was trying to clean something, I heard Aidan calling me and found him sitting INSIDE the dryer (door wide open, thank God) just playing and having a good time. And 2 seconds ago, I look over at him quietly playing with a marker and about to tattoo himself. ::sigh::

So I sat down at my desk.....in my newly CLEAN, DECLUTTERED bedroom/living room (it has been used for storage of all the things I didn't have the emotional fortitude to sort through). Angela (S.) came over and led a "clean sweep" in my room .....what an act of love! :-) I have very little space in my life to decompress and regroup. My room was filled with all kinds of stuff. We emptied boxes upon boxes and threw out a lot of trash. I had so much anxiety and was snapping at the kids and it occurred to me last night.... I was staring down the sorting of a good chunk of my life and THROWING IT OUT. Light was shining on the areas of my life that God wants to clean up and I felt naked and exposed (and not in the fun way. lol) Yesterday, in general, my house was out of sorts. I was out of sorts. The kids were out of sorts. And "outsiders" saw it. To be sure, those "outsiders" are people that we love dearly and who dearly love us and believe in us. But I couldn't "pretend" anymore that I'm not feeling like I'm going to fall apart at any given moment. I feel like I'm just being held together some days with mere baling wire and bubble gum.

Oh crud....I just looked at the clock. I have to get us out of here to get to church.

Today, Aidan is getting dedicated. All of the other 3 got dedicated on my birthday. He's getting dedicated the day before (yup, I turn the big 4-4 tomorrow!). It is my gift back to God for giving me life. Praise be to God.

Hopefully, I'll get a chance to write more later. I have so much to say. lol