I want to take a blogging break today. I'm having trouble with cohesive thought. I'm tired and achy and have no choice but to keep pushing myself, doing the Mommy thing. I am so tired right now but I have to take Wonder Teen to his orthopedic appt then need to put in some more job apps. Gotta be able to find SOMETHING this time of year. I got my EBT card for food yesterday but there isn't a card for utilities and gas in the van. And there is no prospect of a dollar coming in. Fun times ahead. Something will fall into place. It always does.

"I don't know what the future holds but I know WHO holds the future"

Plus, I'm feeling a little more than melancholy. I just have to remember my own words when I've said that the GOAL isn't always the POINT with God, sometimes the PROCESS is the WHOLE POINT. It's during the process that God molds us, refines, prunes us....disciplines us.....and sometimes, He wants us to just get alone with Him, away from people (is that possible in my life? nah And even when I do get some alone time, I can't sit still or be quiet....like I'm afraid to settle down cuz I'm going to run out of time). Sometimes what He needs to do in us, hurts and is confusing.

You old timers in the church......remember that analogy about if the police come into your house and say they want to search the place and you tell them, "Sure, no problem, go wherever you want...the basement, the attic, that little cubby under the stairs, the yard, anywhere at all......except don't touch that locked bottom desk drawer right here next to me". And where do you think the first place is that the police will want to go to, class? THE BOTTOM DESK DRAWER. So what's your "bottom desk drawer"? Where is that place you try to keep locked up, even from God? I have a couple bottom desk drawers (and if you see my behind, you'd think I'm toting a couple of BOTTOMS, in general. lol)

God isn't going to force it open....He wants you to come to Him with it and let Him do what He does....love us perfectly and unconditionally. Now that "unconditionally" part is hard for some of us to stomach...we've had people (parents, spouses, friends, etc.) put conditions on showing love towards us, based on our "desirability". God doesn't operate like that.