Update

I thought I'd post a long-overdue update. Life is good right now. :-) Not perfect but easier. Still don't have a job but fortunately, my bills (rent-including the late fee and court costs because of it being late, van payment, insurance, all the utilities, phone, internet, basic cable) are all covered until November and some until December. I got the check on Friday, deposited it in my account and was able to use it that night. Filled up the gas tank a few times since then and was able to go REAL grocery shopping at the Commissary today. I was floating, walking out to the van. It felt sooo good to buy what we needed and to stock up on some things. Basically, it felt good to do my NORMAL grocery shopping that I haven't been able to do for about a year. I didn't have to choose between toilet paper and paper towels. I could buy FRESH fruits and vegetables. I was able to stock up on some things for the month where there were sales. I feel so FRIGGIN EMPOWERED! lol

The kids and I headed to PA to visit our family. We stayed for a couple of days at Granny and Pop's with Aunt Nola, made 2 trips to Baltimore to hang out at the Harbor, got tattoos, relaxed and enjoyed the beautiful weather and each other's company. Josiah watched the Ravens game with his Dad and Pop but it was an embarrassing loss so it was bittersweet. It was nice to be "home" and with my peeps. :-) It was especially nice to get big hugs from my Mommy. :-) The first day there was difficult for me, emotionally, because it just feels like Clinton is "everywhere". Too many memories of him and us together. I really wanted to take the kids to see his family but was worried he would be there. When he said he was going AWOL, he said he was going there for awhile. I don't know if he really did and I don't know what he's been telling them. I went back "home" so the kids and I could have a breather from the drama and for me to be somewhere he couldn't reach me. I certainly didn't want to run into him.

Rusha gave me a good, but much too brief, talkin' to about not being led by my emotions and how it's obvious to everyone else (but me) how he plays with my emotions, lies to me and doesn't really care about me. It was hard to hear but right on the money. I wish Ru was my counselor! She has amazing insight. It helps a lot, too, that she knows me so well (40 years!), knows Clinton (not so well, of course) and knows our history. Not to mention, her own battles that have wizened her. I am so fortunate to have a strong family (including extended family) that believes in me and encourages me to be the best I can be (and they even KNOW what a fruit loop I am, for real! They've seen me in action sans meds. Not a pretty sight, lemme tell ya. lol)

I feel kinda guilty about the money and using some to take a trip and splurge a little, even though I didn't spend that much. But it sure felt good to not have to keep saying, "no", to everything. I was selective and I still had boundaries, of course, but it was freeing. I'm just so used to, literally, watching every penny. And all the bills are caught up. I'm still not able to have my cell phone turned back on, which really upsets me because I NEED a cell, but I'm not going to sweat it. If I put out the money to pay the past due amount, it won't really matter because we can't find the cell phones since we moved (anyone have 2 or even 1 Verizon phone they don't need anymore? lol). I'd have to buy new ones which is another couple hundred. So just for emergencies, I'm going to get a pay-as-you-go phone. Josiah needs one, too. I'm trying not to have anxiety about not having a job yet but it's hard. I'm still not sure where I'd squeeze in the time for an outside job but I know it has to be done. I'll find a way. I just want my family to be stable and secure. It gives me such peace of mind to take care of their needs.

Oh yeah, remember that dryer that came with the washer? Someone suggested I sell it and recoup my cost of the washer. But I didn't feel right doing that. I wanted to have it so that I would have opportunity to bless someone in a BIG way. Well, I did! :-) We have been the recipients of such amazing, timely blessings that it made me feel good to be a blessing to someone else. I checked on Virtual Yard Sale and there was a family of 5 needing a dryer ASAP. They came and picked it up yesterday. Josiah helped him load it up. They got talking about computers (the man has a computer business and Josiah is in the Academy of I.T. at school) and he might have an older (OS 9) Mac for Josiah. Wow. I wish we still had those big rubbermaid totes full of miscellaneous computer parts (what I referred to as the "computer graveyard") because this family builds computers for children for Christmas who would otherwise not have anything. I'm thinking my kids will probably fall into that category. :-( But hey, you know what, last year, when "the man" left us 3 weeks before Christmas and it looked so bleak, the kids wound up being sooo blessed from different sources.....so I'm not worried.