One Day at at Time, Right?

My "horoscope" for today made me smile. Yes, Lord, I hear Ya. lol

October 28, 2008

1. Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

   Your life may be a mystery to you right now, but that doesn't mean you have to solve it. Don't try to figure out why things are happening the way they are happening -- there is no reason. You're not being tested, you're not being rewarded, and you're not being punished! The roller coast ride you're on is just another part of the journey. If things get tough, rely on friends and family to keep you smiling. They're awfully good at cheering you up and reminding you how special you are.

Sunday night, "the man" broke his silence and came out of hiding, briefly, to call the kids, ask them questions about my personal life and to say he wanted to take them for Christmas and Thanksgiving. Um.....no. It had been over 3 weeks since we had heard from him. When he was here last (Oct 4), he said it was going to be the last time he was going to see me and the kids. Said he was going AWOL for 30 days so that he could get kicked out of the Army. First, he said that his lawyer was going to prevent me from cashing the check and that it was marital property. Then I flipped out on him about being a selfish, negligent father who didn't care about his children's well being and who made them suffer without basic needs this past year. Then he said to keep the settlement check because I would need it next month when the Army cut off his pay and that he lied about the lawyer. He made a big deal out of wanting to have a perfect day with us (which included him wanting to get a hotel room with me for "one last romantic night") since it would be "the last time he saw us". Then he fell off the radar......we couldn't get a hold him.....wasn't answering the phone....wasn't returning calls.....deleted his Myspace acct (by which he got to see the pictures of the kids by being on my friends' list).

I'd send him encouraging emails and leave upbeat messages for him on his voice mail because I really saw him as someone who was lost and needed Jesus (which he is, most certainly) but then it all dawned on me....he was playing me. I believe that his sudden appearance that Saturday was a very well-orchestrated drama, packed with lies. Then I stopped. And the past 3 weeks has been wonderful and I feel accomplished without him being a part of our lives. I actually liked the thought of him being AWOL because I knew that it meant it wouldn't be stopping by or contacting us.

Then Sunday night, he calls. I tried calling him back after he talked to the kids, he kept hanging up on me. I tried about 3 times and then said, no, I'm not doing this. He isn't worth my energy....energy that I need to pour into my kids. Then last night, he called again....from his girlfriend's phone (or someone in her family) because the caller i.d. said Tracie Hardee (his girlfriend's name is Michelle, so I'm assuming it was a relative). He kept asking for Olivia. I said, no, not while you are with your *****. Then I turned the phone off. Why do I let him get to me? I'm GLAD to be rid of him but the thought that he has this happy little life with this chick who is thin, has a bachelor's degree, is "peaceful and simple" (his words), has a good job with an attorney, etc..... it hits my self esteem.

It hit me that he was visiting her this weekend, tried to look good by calling his kids between the 7:30-8 time slot that she knew the court papers said he was supposed to call in (and I doubt that she knows that he hasn't had any contact with them in 3 weeks). He calls from HER house to tell the kids he wants them for Thanksgiving and Christmas (which I'm sure was by her prompting). And other than, there's no way in hell he's taking them but he MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT TAKING THEM TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS WITH THAT TRAMP. He DOESN"T think about what's best for the kids and in all seriousness, I WISH HE WOULD JUST GO AWAY AND STAY AWAY AND LEAVE US ALONE.

Needless, to say, this is all upsetting to me. But my mom called me and gave me a good "talkin to" (as only she can) and I felt much better and stronger. Then my friend "Superman" called late last night and talked some sense into me, too. Both of them did a great job of reminding me who I am, who he is, and how important it is for the kids for me to keep forging ahead.

But the thing that is the hardest for me to understand and the area I really need to gain some emotional mettle in......is WHY does he get to me. Why do I feel inadequate and like a failure because he has this girlfriend, Point 5? Seriously, she can have him. I LOVE my life WITHOUT HIM. It is such a good feeling to do things and not feel his disapproval or his dark cloud on otherwise happy family occasions. I start to feel like I wasted 10 years of my life but I have to remember, like my friend, Angela (NC), says: you got 3 beautiful children out of all that and that was worth it.

So, pray for me, y'all. I don't want to go down a stupid drama path, which I am so infamous for. I don't feel good about myself right now and "them" showing up, reinforces that. I love what my friend, Carrie, wrote on my Facebook Wall (I used to work for her on her design team):

"Hope that you are holding together well these days, Mamma! One day at a time and
remember that you are a gorgeous, intelligent, talented and powerful woman! ALWAYS!
New Traditions can be fun too! :)"

I think I'm going to write that on a big piece of paper and tape it to my mirror! I'm not feeling much of any of that lately. :-(