Disappointment and Murphy's Law

Whoa, 3 blog posts today (and the night is young...... lol). Y'all can ignore this one. I just need to do some hormone-influenced venting and this is my outlet. Hey, could be worse. I could be CALLING some of you on the phone and you'd get the full effect of the whining. lol

Well, Murphy's Law...whatever can go wrong will go wrong? Yeah, about that. Had a rough start this morning just trying to get out of the house to go to PWOC. Got there and childcare was full and today was the special guest speaker thingy so taking Aidan in the main area was not so grand an idea. I tried. Stayed for a few worship songs, got tired of wrestling and shooshing him so I just went to the thrift shop at Pope to consign some stuff (hoping against hope that they sell cuz I don't have much luck in that dept). Later, I went to DMV with what little gas I had left in the van because the request for a duplicate title had an error on it and I had to do another one (remember, this is what's holding up that check, and it's a mandatory 15 day wait in NC before the title comes. I'm NOT happy). So I get there with all the kids in tow and wait in line, only to realize I don't have any money and I have to pay for the duplicate title. So I leave and now I have LONGER to wait for that check because I don't have any money. Yeah, the big freakin catch 22 that is my life......need money to get money. Josiah's dad had sent a check the other day for 2 wks child support but he accidentally made the check out to Josiah. Couldn't sign it over to me because my bank is on the other side of town and I didn't have enough gas to get there. Gotta fix that. So now there's a 7 day hold on the check because it's out of state. That was Friday. Also, found a washer for 50 bucks on virtual yard sale but have to wait for that freakin check to clear. Yeah, still not happy.

I've been trying to apply for jobs with Aidan on my hip. Was waiting for my name to come up on Respite Care for mine and Aidan's EFMP status. I had great plans for that 80 hours a month. Well, just got the call. Don't qualify. WTF??? For months, I was told repeatedly, 'oh yeah, you qualify' but when everything actually got to the respite care people....nope, apparently not. The reason? "He's only 'at risk' and he's only 1 yr old and you only have mild depression and anxiety." I bust out laughing. What is it with me and this laughing thing lately? Anyway, I said, "Lady, you should spend a day in my life and you will certainly see that my depression and anxiety is most definitely not mild at this time in my life" I told her how Aidan is so Mommy-centric and I need a break, blah, blah, blah....... And apparently that's what it sounded like to her, "blah, blah, blah", because she told me to just go back to my doctor to get reevaluated. Well, I don't want to let my doctor know just how stressed I am because what if he thinks I can't handle my children? There was a woman on Post when we were there who was going through a similiar asshole husband situation (except he told her at Green Ramp when they were there to welcome him home from a combat zone) and when she said to someone that she was having trouble handling the kids and taking care of things, CPS took them and put her in the hospital. The stress was getting to her but what she just needed was a break, a reprieve once in awhile. I heard this story from the nurse that used to work with Aidan at our house who knew this family first hand.

I am very fortunate to have good friends who give me a break sometimes but even then, I don't like to bother them so I don't ask for help often unless it's for official business, not just for me to have some mommy time away from the kids. Frankly, I shouldn't NEED help at this stage. I should have this thing all wrapped up and under control. I'm sure if I look back, I'll see that things are better but I am soooo done with all of this crap.

I'm trying not to take much seriously today or panic although it does look bleak at the moment. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll be better. Right now, I'm just pissy. Real pissy. Best to keep my mouth shut and away from people.