What Is & What Should Never Be

**This is a repeat of my most recent Blog entry on MySpace, in case anyone has already read that one** Warning: it's VERY long. Guess I went too long without writing and had to make up for lost time. lol

Wow, I didn't realize that I hadn't blogged on here in so long. So much has happened, yet I don't feel like going into it. Imagineer that! I don't have the words! ha ha

Nah, it's more that I have TOO MANY words (I can hear those who know me well, saying, "Amen, Sistah!" lol) and I need to put the past behind me. It is what it is. Can't make sense out of nonsense. Can't change people. Can't rewrite history. Can't be in love with a figment of my imagination any more and then get pissed at him when he doesn't live up to it. Don't get me wrong, he is no Superman but I have to own up to my part, too (and ONLY my part). And I will admit that I didn't always treat him right or fight fair or be respectful.

BUT....he is in need of some serious therapy, a character overhaul (with a strong injection of INTEGRITY) and probably a good whoopin from some men (and a granny or two) I know who'd like to get a hold of him in a dark alley for "shaking a woman like a rag doll" ("don't that sound like a real man?") and letting his kids go hungry (seriously, "the man" gave me $300/month for food, gas and bills for 4 kids plus me! And he said he was being generous because we were in government housing and he wasn't "obligated" to give me anything to take care of the kids! puh-lease!) Someone point that "man" in the direction of some real men who can teach him a thing or 20 about how to be honorable and responsible.

I guess I COULD have been more respectful if I hadn't spent the last 10 years dealing with so much deception, adultery, neglect and selfishness. I've lost track of the lies. I've lost track of the women (and God knows, I hunted down every one I found out about and sent them packing....or at least tried to but some were too stupid or desperate to see the writing on the wall...but dang, that gets exhausting after awhile).

I wanted to raise my kids with a GOOD, HONEST, OPEN, FAITHFUL, LOVING, INVOLVED, HARD WORKING man who looks to God for answers and help. One who knew that INTEGRITY is measured by WHO YOU ARE WHEN NO ONE BUT GOD IS LOOKING. One who would love me passionately (even outside the bedroom), cherish me, pursue me ONLY, protect me, treat me with respect, be there for me when I'm falling apart (instead of just ignoring me, which makes is sooo much worse), believe in me and be my BEST FRIEND. I guess I was asking too much.

But I still believe that there is someone out there like that for me. First, I have to let God finish His work in me. I have become bitter and hard and non-trusting....and MOUTHY! Dang! (okay, well, I've always been a little mouthy.....alright, alright, I've always been a LOT mouthy! It's just worse now and there are more curse words involved. lol) The things I need to work on are not "the man's" fault, as much as I like to blame him for every dang thing including global warming. I do need to own up to my own crud. I really do want to be the kind of woman God wants me to be. And, in all seriousness, I do want "the man" to be all that God wants HIM to be. He IS the father of my children and he WAS the love of my life for a decade OF my life. And okay, truth be told, sometimes....just sometimes.....I have a happy memory of him (or whoever he was. I think the guy I fell in love with is dead)...I actually have a LOT of happy memories.....just a lot of mean, deceitful things and WAY too many other women interspersed in between and I get a little sad. It's that damn country music, I'm tellin ya! That Kenny Chesney and me are going to tangle (oooohhhh, I like the sound of that! ok.....focus, focus......oh look a kitty!...lol) "Better as a Memory than as Your Man"......"Every Other Weekend" (with Reba)...yeah, they get to me.

And I swear, if I see ONE MORE TAN FORD EXPLORER drive past my house, I'm going to scream! WTH? Were they having a big sale in 1996 on tan explorers? Geez!

But just like the other night, when I was driving home, and some song came on and I got a little warm fuzzy (I think it was just a caterpillar crawling up my leg but I killed it. lol) .... and I prayed for him and wasn't feeling too "angsty". BUT THEN (as sure as night follows day), I get an email from him that is talking about what a wretched creature I am and how I basically ruined his life and his credit and how spoiled I am.....blah, blah, blah, Ginger, blah, blah, blah, Ginger... He left out "white trash" this time, which was a refreshing break (my friend pointed out that it takes bigger white trash to yell that at me in front of other people like he did that day). I replied that I can see that he is still suffering from delusions of grandeur and that I know who I AM and WHAT I am (and what I AM NOT) and that I was thankful that I didn't need to listen to his misinterpretations of me any more. I did okay with that first reply but then of course, after I hit 'send', I got the whole "and ANOTHER THING..." attitude (you know the one I'm talking about) so the second email was quite a bit sassier. I know it's hard for you all to picture me "talking sassy cat", as Liam says....cracks me up, don't know where he got that but when his sister is being a brat, I hear him yelling, "MOOOOMMM! Livvy is talkin sassy cat at me!!" lol

So, I got to "talkin sassy cat at" the Poppa. But I eventually got over myself and apologized for my sarcasm (but gosh, I'm soooo good at it! lol) I had just had a relaxing evening with a very dear friend and didn't want to lose my "happy, happy, joy, joy" over expending negative energy in unproductive conversation with "the man". It had been so long since I'd felt relaxed. Plus, when "the man" is in his delusional state, it's like talking to a wall. He only listens to the voices inside his head (and the voices of those around him that he has managed to deceive). Life is too short for such pettiness. And God knows, I can run with the best of them when it comes to drama. I'm working on that, though. No point in it most of the time.

Sometimes, I think I have to "actively" keep crappy stuff he's said and done over the years in the forefront of my mind because when I relax and am in a good mood, just chillin and enjoying life.....well, sometimes, I really miss him. I know someone is going to try to smack me through the puter right now for saying that. lol But it's true. I hate not getting along. I hate having to be tough all the time.....I just want to "BE". I find myself wanting to share something funny with him (although, that is getting more and more infrequent) or joke with him on the phone or email, etc. I'm STILL not used to him being gone. But I realized tonight.....he REALLY left me a LONG TIME AGO. He's been slowly slipping away for years. I just didn't want to see it. I thought I could fix it. I thought I could fix ME and that would fix whatever the problem was. I would've stayed married forever, even as unhappy as I was with the way he treated me and cheated on me and lied about stupid crap....I wanted my family to stay together. I get so sad thinking about my kids not having a father. Well, "sad" is an understatement. Even if he lived in this area, he has become the kind of man that the kids really don't need around. I hate to say that. But even when he was here, he barely saw them or called them and he backed out of plans to see them, right in front of them or slept when he DID come over to see them. It was more important for him to spend time with his friends and his "girlfriend", Point 5, that last week than it was to see or talk to his kids, no matter how I tried to make sure they had contact or made arrangements for them to be with him. He can fool others by saying that the kids are his life and he can lie and say he does this, that and a third with them but I know the truth. More importantly, the KIDS know the truth. We all know how much he neglects them.......

Okay, now I'm starting to get mad all over again. I better stop. He's gone. They've accepted it (although, for some reason, Liam is telling people that his daddy went back to school in Georgia instead of that he moved permanently to GA). He's not a part of this family anymore and he never will be again. He has started a new life and we have, too. He will never be the kind of father the kids need. Hopefully, some day, SOMEONE will, though.

It is what it is.