Well, I didn't get that house. The owner didn't want to rent to an outside party that wasn't living in the house. And "the man" (and I use that term VERY loosely right now after yesterday) went back and forth with, yeah he'll rent it for us, no he won't . I told him he'd have to cancel the movers because if they showed up on Monday, I'd have to turn them away because there is no point them packing and having nowhere to take it. Turns out, he actually had scheduled the movers to come on the 15th (yesterday!) and didn't even tell me. Fortunately, they didn't come. So it is set up as a DITY move (do it yourself) but then I found out at my housing center that our final inspection is scheduled for Wednesday. Again, would have been nice to have known that. He has asked me SEVERAL times to have the restraining order lifted (it's modified now so that I can call him about the move or the kids) and I have said no way. He originally said he'd rent a uhaul but now has changed on that, too. He did, unexpectedly, give me a check for $200 the other day. I've used most of it for gas and food already, that was before I knew I was going to need money for a truck.

So the long and short of it is, that despite that I was trying to work with him (should've known better), he said he took the money from his travel pay that he was going to give to me to use to get into a house and went and retained a lawyer. He was mad at me and did what he does, flip flops. Fortunately for me, there is a no contact order so that kept him away. Except that I came home yesterday to see an MP car in front of my house (major huge panic) and his truck in the driveway. I stopped the van at the corner, let Kim out and she went down to find out what was going on. He said that he needed to get some of his Army stuff. Ok, I'll buy that because he needs his TA-50 for clearing post. But yeah, I noticed that his number was deleted from my caller i.d. from all the different times he called (outside of the allowed 7:30-8 ea. night to call the kids). I forgot to put the chain on the door when I left because I was just running up the street. Oh well. He calls me a lot. He's asked me to meet him at the community center, etc. He said yesterday, that he is so frustrated from all of this that he doesn't even care about what happens to his career anymore. Great.

Today when he takes the kids for the day, I have to run around and get some boxes and do some packing. I need to call some people and set up a "packing party". Tomorrow was supposed to be Liam's birthday party at the pool but now since the movers aren't taking our stuff on his actual birthday, I think I'll keep the party scheduled for its original date and use tomorrow to pack

Oh Lord, this is all so overwhelming. Help me concentrate on the task at hand. A brighter day is coming. Make me a strong vessel. Remind me that I am Your daughter, the daughter of a King. Thank you for all of the awesome people that you have put in my path. Thank You that each and every one of them brings something different to the table.

Right now, I'm picturing a 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle on a card table near a glowing fireplace. There are a few comfy chairs around and from time to time, someone comes over and pores over it for awhile, adding pieces, making the bigger picture more visible. Others are cooking delicious, fragrant dishes and still another is keeping the coffee pot filled and the tea kettle going. Some are reading to the children sitting in an over-stuffed chair near the window and someone else is rocking the baby to sleep. There's a Granny, quietly knitting and praying, sitting on the end of the sofa. Someone is keeping watch with the dog at the front door, to keep intruders at bay while another is outside at the far edges, scouting out the land. Then over on the far wall is a large map with lines and circles marked on it and pins in various places. There's serious discussion going on there about strategy and outsmarting the enemy, securing fortresses, gaining territory, the nature of the mission and breaking it down into sub tasks. And me? I'm taking a breather, exhausted to the bone. I'm in a back bedroom, away from noise and discussion, curled up in a cozy bed, wrapped in a warm chenille blanket. The only light or sound is coming from an aquarium in the corner of the room; a soft glow and the soothing sound of running water. Someone is there watching over me so that I can rest and recharge before having to go back into battle.

I might get scared but I know I'm not alone. Like someone said to me recently, Clinton needs to understand that he is not just taking on me....he's taking on everyone who cares about me and the children. Teri reminded me last night that I have to remember that the man I married, the man I fell in love with, he's not there anymore. Clinton may look the same, but that man I wanted to grow old with, make and raise babies with......loved with all my heart and who loved me back with a sacrificial love.....that man doesn't exist anymore. From time to time, I may see glimpses of him and it may make my heart warm but I have to remember that he's gone. It's just an illusion. He's someone else now and I have to accept that.

Mom just called and she just wants me to come home. I jumped the gun and made a stupid choice by postponing (which turned into a cancellation) the movers because now I will have to pay for it myself since 'the man' won't give me any of the money he promised to me. I started to really get down on myself (because for sure, I made a poor choice and bad decision based on being mentally drained, panicked and believing that somewhere in Clinton was a good man who kept his word...what the hell was I thinking?). But Mom stopped me mid-negative-sentence and reminded me that I don't have time for that. Gotta love her. :-)

EDITED TO ADD: just got off the phone with his 1sgt and it was a very productive call. Am just waiting now to see what transpires from his talk with 'the man'. I told him not to call him now because he has the kids. It is the ODDEST feeling to be in my house ALONE! I love it. I might just run around naked! ha ha I better close the blinds first! ha ha