Just a Bug

Alrighty then, my "moment" passed like a 24-hr stomach bug and I'm good now. lol As long as I expect that those moments will be popping up periodically while I'm transitioning and I take them for what they are, I should be okay. As long as I don't put too much stock into them and realize that it actually would be odd if I DIDN'T have sad moments (I mean, after all, he was the love of my life for 9 years), I'll be fine. I'm so thankful that I have good people with whom to talk things through.

I see it like I'm running a race and there are those along the side lines who care about me and cheer me on, offering water at various legs of the race, or shouting words of encouragement, or running to my side if I twist my ankle and helping me get back to my feet, or telling me "you don't have a choice!" when I say I can't do it anymore. The race is ultimately MINE and MINE TO FINISH. I think about the Scripture: "you were running a good race, who cut in on you?". Usually the answer to that is ME. And a few kids. lol Seems I only get to do things in short bursts (like 10-15 minutes) before someone is yanking on me or asking for something or saying, "Momma, what can I do? I'm bored". I feel like my day, from the time I get up until I finally collapse in bed (which is never alone, but not the fun way), is one constant stream of distractions. So many times throughout the day, I hear, "NO! Aidan" or "MOOOOMMM! Aidan!" because he's bothering them or getting in their stuff or trying to mooch their food even though I just fed him..... More often than not, he's glued to my hip or wanting to nurse, which isn't nursing anymore as much as it's examining and playing and talking to my breast. Yeah, not fun for me. And if I try to get some alone time in a hot, relaxing shower? Yeah, not happening. Aidan has to be in there with me. Even when I try to sneak in while he's sleeping, his radar wakes him up and he cries until I get him. So, in the shower with me, he goes . And if someone's going to be in the shower with me, grabbing my boobs, at least let it be someone who's gonna wash my hair and give me a back rub, too. lol

I sooooooooooooo need some adult time, and longer than the couple of minutes I get here and there talking to my friends and corralling kids at the same time. I need a break in the worst way. What I would LOVE is to be able to do things in my house (luxurious things like....CLEANING) without the constant interruption. I'm glad to not have to live with "the man's" negative energy anymore (you know I'm trying to put it nicely, don't you?) but at the same time.....DAMN, we had a deal to have these babies and raise them TOGETHER. Who gave him the right to reneg on the deal? Aidan was 6 months old and still sick when he bailed on us and here we are 8 months later and let me tell you....I am EXHAUSTED. Ok, rant over. :-)