Clinton came up for the weekend and we spent the day with some friends at the pool for Father's Day. I'll write more later. I don't have long online tonight.
George came down to go to Carowinds with Josiah and Access for Sonfest. He slept in Josiah's bed and we all went to McDonald's for Father's Day breakfast on Sunday. When I told him I wanted to go to McD's for breakfast, he asked who all was going (half the family was still sleeping). I said, "All of us....this whole 'Jerry Springer' clan of ours!" Yep, my ex-husband and my "wants to be an " ex-husband sleeping in the same house with me and our 57 kids. Good stuff. lol
Of the dozens of pictures taken of us over the years, I think this is the best one. So strange. Usually, I pick the photos that look good of me. lol Usually, it's just one of us looks really good and the other one, so-so. But this one is good of both of us, in my opinion. I had the "kissing" picture on here but took it off. Too personal. :-) Don't want to get a lecture from the "Grannys". :-) I don't really know what to say about where we stand. Just that we had a great weekend together as a family and he and I had some alone time, too. No relationship talk. Just fun and friendship and affection. He gave me my Mother's Day present, a beautiful tennis bracelet. Also, he gave me a good bit of money for groceries and gas plus he bought breakfast and dinner out. Not to mention the money he spent on gas to get up here. Man, the gas prices are obscene!
My heart is confused but I can't be led by it. I have to be led by my head and move forward. I need to be the best "me" that I can and the best mother that I can be and if the marriage becomes healthy, well then that's a nice fringe benefit. Before, my focus was to make the marriage work and have all changes be for that purpose. That's the wrong way to go about it. I have to live with ME forever. The marriage is just a PART of my life, granted a BIG part, but still, not the sum total of all that I am. No separation papers or anything have been filed by either one of us so I guess there's still hope. I don't know. The other women are a big roadblock for me. HUGE roadblock. Well, can't control that so I'm just praying. It's a character flaw and it's between him and his Maker. I truly don't believe it has anything to do with a deficit in me. Sheesh, I'm Wonder Woman, doncha know? :-) Yeah, there's definite room for improvement. I'm a work in progress, just like anyone. But as far as me thinking I don't cut it as a woman? Nah. I don't believe it. Frankly, I don't think those other chicks have got anything on me. LOL j/k :-) I should say that I absolutely want the marriage to work but truth be told, too much has happened. His leaving us has put this family through hell. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again. Maybe it's best to cut our losses and move on separately, I don't know. I really don't. I do know that I love him....very much. I do know that there is strong chemistry and passion between us. But....well, I just don't know. I just have to keep moving forward. Can't "what if" myself to death. (I do wish I knew if that chick was still in his life or not. I guess it doesn't really matter. If it wasn't her, it'd be someone else, I suppose)
Okay, I have to add the kissing picture because it's just so darn cute. Notice that there's a heart shape? I didn't even have to photoshop that in. Okay, back to reality.....*sigh*
No comments:
Post a Comment