Update

It has been almost a month since I blogged. My sweet baby boy had chewed on my laptop cord and I was waiting for a new one. This weekend I got one! Yippee Ki Ay! You can tell the puter is back in commission by looking at my house today. lol It has been so nice and clean and uncluttered because I wasn't spending time on the puter. lol

Best Buy sells Apple products now so I popped in and got one. We had a big family shopping day. So much fun and long overdue. Clint surprised us Friday night by driving up here from school in GA. I was on the phone with him at 6 and then around 11, he came walking in the bedroom door and about scared the pee out of me! He didn't say anything about coming up. It was a pleasant surprise, though. I asked him if everything was okay and he said that he just missed us. Aw. :-) Of course, I was taking it all with a grain of salt because I didn't want to get my hopes up that what I've been feeling from him lately (LOVE) was real and then have it not be. So, I "casually" asked if he was up here visiting someone (yeah, I'm so subtle. lol ) He said, "no, there's no one else I'd drive 5 hours to see but you". I gave him a thumbs up and said, "good answer!" :-) We had a great weekend as a family. I know the kids really enjoyed it.

We have been getting along very well this past month (at least from my perspective, can't speak for him, I suppose, but he looks like he's enjoying himself :-) ). We haven't been talking about nixing the big 'D' yet, it's kind of like the elephant in the room, but it has been nice to have fun together, laugh, love, have family time, talk without fighting, discuss finances (again without fighting, lol) etc. We even went on a real date the weekend before he left. He surprised me by asking me to go to the movies with him. While we were out, we went to lunch, the movies and the bookstore. That night, he had to work at the bar so around midnight, after the kids went to bed, I got Josiah to watch them and I went up to hang out with him. He bought me a beer and it was a lot of fun. I've been seeing different facets of him and it has been refreshing. We are more relaxed around each other now, letting each other be ourselves. No pressure. God has opened my eyes to so many things these past few months....about Clinton, about myself, about relationships, about marriage, about faith and trust....and about obedience to God. Come what may, we are both growing and becoming truer to ourselves. I hope that in the end, we DO stay married. We have 4 kids to consider who need a whole family .... however, they need a HEALTHY family, too. They deserve that.

I like being a couple with him (when moods aren't wacked) and I enjoy the comfortableness that we have developed from being together almost 10 years. I really don't want to go back into the dating market. It's not me. I've had a few opportunities that are exciting at first (well, exciting in that it's nice that someone is interested in me)(didn't hook up with anyone, just have seen interest :-) ) but then it wears off and I just want my "normal" life. I feel and think like a married woman. I like being married. But having said all that, I DO NOT want things to go back to how they were before he left in November. I don't like who either one of us was at that time. I don't want to go backwards. I still keep in the back of my mind his ability to carry on a secret life, which helps me to not get ahead of myself.

We've gained so much ground as individuals and in how we relate to each other and fit into this family dynamic. I love him, what can I say. But I have learned to love the truth more and to cut the tentacles of codependency that restricted both of us. I still have conditions to a reunion and I'm sure he does, too. The vicious cycle that has characterized our marriage has to be squashed, once and for all. If it can't be, then it is so much better to get divorced. With or without him, I know I will be happy and will succeed. Judging by the rate things are going and watching answers to prayer unfold (and WOW, there are a lot of people praying for us), I CHOOSE him. I don't feel like we're stuck with each other anymore. Or rather, stuck with the negative crap that we didn't know how to stop. Yet and still, if we actually do sign the papers and go our separate ways (which has been the plan), I'm accepting of that. Big change from a couple of months ago. December was a NIGHTMARE.