Changes

Something's changing. Don't know what it is but something feels different between me and Clinton. Can't quite put my finger on it. There's more of a ....peacefulness?.... between us. Something can go wrong and I wait for the usual negative reaction or scenario but it'll turn into something different then it's gone. I don't know if I'm making sense. We just get along better now. December was fairly nightmarish as far as the tension between us goes. Talk about drama! Ugh! Both of us were on a crazy, treacherous emotional roller coaster. Now, we're more respectful of each other and actually listen to each other. Sometimes, we get ahead of ourselves because we both like to talk and get our point across in a disagreement and the other one will have to give a gentle reminder to "shut up and let me talk" which isn't how we say it now (much more tact now) but was the way we would've said it before.

But since I got back from PA, things are a heck of a lot calmer. We've actually been communicating better and haven't been attacking each other. I actually have been enjoying his company like an old friend. Now, I'm not talking crazy talk like we're calling the divorce off or anything. That's not been part of any discussion and there would be so much counseling that would be involved and conditions to be met on both sides for that to even be a consideration. Personally, I had thought about it last month but then I found out some information that really hurt me deeply and that was the deal breaker for me. Since then, there's no turning back. Things aren't what I thought they were. It would take a miracle for me to trust him again in certain areas. I know he has trust issues with me, too, in different areas.

I think we've just made peace with it being what it is (the separation and impending divorce). It's so much better this way. The kids seem more peaceful, too. Probably because we are relaxed in each other's presence and not fighting. We've been working better together as a parenting team, too, showing a unified front, so to speak. Now, I'm not always happy go lucky about this arrangement. There are times, like today, when he's on the floor playing a game with the kids and laughing. I was cleaning the car because I needed to be busy outside so I could cry. It broke my heart. I wish when he lived here, he had spent so much focused time with them as he does now that he's gone. Of course, when he's here, he's never on a computer and his time is spent on the family. It's what I wanted before but at least they have it now. What is also sad is that he leaves in a few weeks for his 5 month school and after that, the kids and I move to PA or MD and he moves to GA. So this time is the only "normal" time they'll have with him. I see how happy they are with him and I get a lump in my throat. He seems happier, now, too. It's nice to see. Strangely, he's a lot kinder to me and more thoughtful and attentive, too. I know that there are so many obstacles to us having a happy marriage. I will settle for this nice friendship, though. Anything beats anxiety, fighting, tension and drama.

He called me from work last night to see if I wanted to come up and see him (at his side job at the bar). I got my friend to watch the kids and I went up and hung out with him for a little bit. I felt a little awkward at first because that's "his territory" but really the place wasn't much different than the beer joints I used to go to with my grandparents in WVA when I was a kid (man, the thought of my own kids being in a beer joint.....! lol). He has off today and asked me if I wanted to go back up there with him and shoot pool and stuff. If I get a sitter, it would be a nice date. Well, not a date date but it will be nice to just socialize as adults and not be on parental duty. Sadly, we did very little of that when we were together. I think we should have taken more time out to just be a couple and get out of the house and do things. We did sometimes but a big deal was always the money or a sitter. We should have at least done more things that didn't involve money but that did involve us just having fun together without being interrupted by the kids. Woulda, shoulda, coulda. Oh well, it's just another of those "notes to self" for the next relationship, I guess.

So, we'll see how today goes. We're leaving for Chapel in a few minutes which is going to be nice because today starts the 40 Days of Purpose. Lord, as always, keep me on track and my eyes on You.