I'm feeling sad. Not changing my mind, just sad for what was. Sad for this transition. Sad for more changes. Divorce is such a harsh thing. No matter how we cut it. No matter how civil we try to be. No matter how much we say it was a long time coming. No matter how much we say we deserve better. No matter how much we tell ourselves that we're too incompatible or like oil and water. No matter how much we are saying we are doing it for the kids. It's still harsh. It's still a ripping apart of the fabric of a family. It's still the death of dreams. It's still the extinguishing of that last flicker of hope. It's still going it alone. My status is changing. I'm no longer part of a couple. I can no longer hear love songs and get warm fuzzies. I no longer have someone to hold me at the end of a hard day. I no longer have a partner to help shoulder the burden of raising 4 kids. I'm no longer the proud wife of a soldier. I didn't ask for this but it happened anyway. I can't mourn over "What Is and What Should Never Be" (as the Zeppelin song puts it).
I am going to miss him holding me most of all. It hurts to think about it. All the times where we didn't have a choice but were forced apart because of the military....that was hard enough. But this? This is voluntary. This is saying, "I never want to hold you again". This is torment.
I am going to miss the kids having a father that's a regular part of their everyday lives. Even whenever he was deployed or was in Alaska without us at first, I tried to keep him as part of our daily lives...with emails or the web cam or sending pictures or packages or sometimes talking on the phone. I made decisions including him. We daily talked about him and prayed for him. The kids knew that he didn't have a choice, that he was away doing his job, serving our country. I kept him in the forefront of their minds....for their sake, for his sake. But this? What do I say about this? How do I compensate for his absence now? If they are lucky, they may see him twice a year for maybe a week at a time. A kid needs more from a father than that. They will miss him but they will have each other and me. He will miss them painfully more and he will have no one. He chose to be alone but I don't think the reality of what he has lost has hit him yet.
6 comments:
Hugs and prayers for you and yours - especially at this time of year.
send you all my prayers!
I am certain that he has no idea what he's sacrificing.
I don't have a lot of words today -- but I am so very proud of you for getting this stuff out. You need to say (type) it. You need to express it.
And, yes, all those things you typed are true. There are things you will miss; there are things the kids will miss; and there are things that Clint will miss. But, in the long run, I have to believe that you are doing what is best for you--and for the kids. And, by taking care of YOU, you are setting a phenomenal example for them.
Wow. . .I guess I really *did* have something to say, didn't I?
Love ya!
I haven't read the rest of your blog so I have no idea why you are getting divorced but men really don't get what they are giving up. I got married in January of this year and a few months back we were almost at the point of divorce, dh moved out and thought everything would be easier, while I was crying and not really sure how to cope he seemed fine, yet when I offered him the chance to come home he jumped at it. I can only offer you ((((((hugs))))) and hope that you can find comfort in something (I see from your header that you are religious so maybe God) and that your pain is never too much for you to bear, everyone finds their peace in something different hopefully you will find yours soon Hugs Crystal xxx
Oh no my prayers go out to you and your family.
This is so emotional and I'm glad you could get it out and vent about it, I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
Hugs-
Even my strong Christian "fairy tale" marriage was on the brink of divorde a year ago. I am glad that God brought it back, but I understand waht your'e going through. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sure I'm not the only one holding you up. Have faith that God is working in you and your family's lives and have faith that He will sustain you until more joyful times.
Isaiah 61:3 "to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified."
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