Letting Go is Hard To Do

Mom says that what worries her the most about me right now is that I can't let go and accept the fact that he doesn't want to be with me. I grasp at straws and look for any possible sign from him that shows he still loves me or wants to be with me. Sometimes he gives me those but the other times, it's the opposite extreme. He even has maintained that he does in fact love me (even yesterday he said he did when we were in a big battle on the phone). Whenever I mention that he doesn't love me or hasn't loved me or anything like that, he's adamant that it's not true and that he does and has. Well, that's just a bit confusing there, buddy. Mom says it's hard to know what to believe from someone who is capable of lying as easily as breathing. I've always believed that your actions show what's in your heart and soul.

I JUST CAN'T WRAP MY BRAIN AROUND HOW SOMEONE CAN LOVE ME BUT NOT WANT TO BE WITH ME. How do you love someone as much as he says he does but not want to be with them, invest in them, nurture them, have fun with them, partner with them, sacrifice for them, protect them, dream with them, communicate with them, be faithful to them, be selfless for them, be patient with them, actively work on understanding them (their speech, actions, needs, desires), want to make them happy....."prefer them over all others" as the Bible says? I mean, WHAT IS LOVE if not all that? *insert "Night at the Roxbury" music here. lol* Unless you just don't know how to love like that....don't have role models, don't listen to Dr Phil or read the Bible or talk to others for advice or ask God to show you how, aren't around healthy relationships and examples, etc. When you don't actively seek to be a better lover (not talking about sex here, but if that were your problem, it would apply), when you keep all of your problems to yourself, don't ask for advice or read up on it or get around others very often......when you try to fly by the seat of your pants, only drawing from what is originally within you...... well you're destined to fail, in my opinion. The Bible says that "the heart is desperately wicked and deceitful above all things" and that "there is none that are good, no not one". You can never believe that you are self contained and never need anything from the outside to improve you. You can't have the mentality that you've "arrived". You need to constantly allow God to mold and shape you until that day you see His face.

Can you imagine if our soldiers didn't go to Basic Training (I'm about to dive into an analogy here and Clinton makes fun of me when I do this but what do I care what he thinks anymore. lol): Okay, so let's say that our soldiers don't go to Basic, don't go to AIT (where they learn how to do their specific job), don't read training manuals, don't learn from higher ranking, longer time-in-service soldiers, don't admit that they don't understand something and don't ask questions, don't put the time in just being around those who know their stuff.....just how long do you think that soldier is going to last on the battlefield? Some may last longer than others. They may do alright in the day to day living of being in a war zone. But when the battles hit? Will they know what to do? What if they didn't turn to someone else and say, "what do I do?". What if they try to draw on their experiences from their civillian life, before they were soldiers? Would those same "problem solving" skills work in their current situation? What if they just kept trying to figure it out themselves while bullets are flying? Some could do it....briefly. Clinton would last longer than most in that situation because he's very intelligent and has good creative thinking skills but even he would fail eventually. If he went straight from working at Denny's and then to the battle field with no training, he would eventually become a casualty.....as would others around him.
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There's so much I don't understand and have trouble accepting but it is what it is and I MUST move on with my dignity in tact. I have to keep big huge horrific mistakes like I made yesterday from happening again. I have to hold my head up high above the water line of my emotions. Because when I hang my head, I drown. When I shut down and sink to the depths, I drown. The kids have lost their father (in the capacity that they have known him), I can't let them lose their mother as well. That is what upsets me the most about my actions yesterday, I thought I was putting my children first but my thinking is finite and God's wisdom is infinite. I should have consulted HIM before I acted. I only saw the earthly view, He saw the birds-eye view. My vision was limited. His was omniscient. I hope I never make such a grave mistake again. I don't know if I can forgive myself for put my children's overall wellbeing in jeopardy. It looks like things will recover in spite of it but that is only because I am surrounded by level headed people and because GOD'S GRACE AND MERCY IS PRESENT. GRACE is God GIVING to us what we DON'T deserve (in my case, a "do over" or a "mulligan" in golf terms, He's not giving me that Mulligan man but a do over with the 3 little Mulligans that are in my care). MERCY is God WITHHOLDING from us what we DO deserve.

One good thing that came out of it was that I discovered why he abandoned us so suddenly. It wasn't really all that sudden. He had a room at the barracks for some time that he kept clothes in and had been planning for awhile to leave. That's why he was trying to meet others online and find a girlfriend. He knew that when he did finally leave, he would start to miss me shortly afterwards but thought if he had someone else, he would be able to leave without coming back (sadly, I understand that logic because I've been thinking how much easier it would be to stop missing him and wanting him if I had someone else paying attention to me that way. Of course, the truth is that it would actually make things more complicated. The fact that he was actively looking for someone before he left, well I would never have done that) That's why I was picking up that vibe so strongly for weeks that someone else (or more) was in "my place". Apparently, during that time, he was putting me through small "tests" to see if I "passed" to make him stay. Apparently, I "failed" the "tests". To me, LEAVING wasn't an option when there are 4 children involved. Boo hoo you didn't have the marriage you wanted. Who does? He didn't have the luxury to just think of his own happiness. Yes, there were problems in the marriage but you find ways to work with it. He says he did but there are SO MANY THINGS he could've done that he didn't. He didn't want to be married from the beginning, kids or no kids, he wanted out and he was HELL BENT to get out no matter what the cost.

What really makes me mad is that we, of course, were sleeping together during that time. Hey, we're married and the one thing that never was bad in our marriage was our sex life (sorry, Mom, if you're reading this, but hey, I have 4 kids......lol). In retrospect, it is difficult for me to believe that the feelings expressed and the love, care, tenderness and respect given to me during those times was real. I look back now and can't imagine that it was sincere. How do you live a double life like that? I don't know. He swears it was and I doubt it was. But how do you actively seek other female companionship and still make love to your wife like she's the most important treasure in your world? It can't be done unless there's some sort of schism in your soul. I don't know.

Okay, so I log on to Dr Phil's website to see what the old guy has to tell me about myself. When I click on the advice section on divorce, the first thing that pops up is "Letting Go". Okay, my Momma didn't raise no dumb girls, I know that's for me right now. So instead of quoting, I copied and pasted it here. It's long so maybe only if you need this kind of advice should you read it. Unless you have a full cup of coffee and have time to kill, then by all means read away. lol If you don't need the advice, you may come across someone who does.

Dr Phil's Advice:

1. Have you been dumped, betrayed or left so heartbroken that you didn't ever want to love again? Are you still stuck on an ex and don't know how to move on? And how do you know when it's time to let go and look for love somewhere else?
2. If you're "the other woman" who's waiting for a man to leave his lover, don't waste your time. "If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you," Dr. Phil says. The man you want lacks integrity and can't make a commitment.
   
   
3. Are your standards too low? Dr. Phil asks a guest who's waiting around for a man that's let her down time and again: "What is it about you that causes you to settle for somebody that you know will cheat on you, know will lie to you, know will make a commitment and then break it? What is it about you that you believe about yourself that you're willing to settle for that?" Recognize that you're settling and that you deserve more. Set a higher standard for yourself.
   
   
4. Does he really even make you happy? Be honest with yourself about the extent to which he's really meeting your needs. Chances are you're longing for the relationship that you wish it could be, and that you want to be in love with the person you wish he was. Dr. Phil reminds a guest: "There are times when you break up with somebody and you start missing them and you start thinking about all the good things. And then you're back with them for about 10 minutes and you go 'Oh yeah! Now I remember why I hate you!'" Don't kid yourself about what it was really like or glorify the past.
   
   
5. Don't wait around because you think he's going to change. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, so the chance that he's going to ride in on his white horse and do the right thing is pretty slim. Dr. Phil explains, "To the extent that there's some history, you don't have to speculate, you just have to measure."
   
   
6. Don't put your life on hold. Every minute you spend focusing on your ex is a minute that's holding you back from a better future. Dr. Phil tells his guest, "As long you are obsessed on this guy, you will never put your heart, soul and mind into getting your life in order and starting another relationship if you want one." Set some goals and start putting your life back together.
   
   
7. Ask yourself: Are you hiding in the relationship so you don't have to face the reality of being on your own? Don't stay with someone because it's comfortable and safe. It may seem more secure, but it's not healthy for you and it certainly won't help you get to a better place. Why would you want to settle and waste your life away just to avoid getting back in the game?
   
   
8. Be clear with him. "You've got to say not just 'no,' but 'hell no,'" Dr. Phil tells his guest. "'Get out of my life. Stay away from me. Don't call me.'" If you live together, it's time to move out, or you may need to change your phone number. Dr. Phil reiterates: "Do what you have to do." If the circumstances are more complicated or severe, you may need to get a lawyer in order to get child support or to hold him accountable for any other outstanding issues.
   
   
9. Don't hold all men responsible for the mistake your ex made. Why should he pay for the sins of someone else who may have wronged you?
   
   
10. Learn to trust again — by trusting yourself. Dr. Phil tells a man who's having a hard time letting women back into his life: "Trust is not about how much you trust one person or another to do right or wrong. How much you trust another person is a function of how much you trust yourself to be strong enough to deal with their imperfections." Have enough faith in yourself to be able to put yourself on the line with someone, without any guarantee of what will happen next. If you're playing the game with sweaty palms, it's because you're afraid of what you can or can't do, or dealing with your own imperfections — it's not about the other person.

11. Know that you will get hurt if you're in a relationship. There is no perfect person without flaws. Even a well-intended guy is going to hurt his partner. He's going to hurt your feelings. He's going to say things that you don't want him to say. He's going to do things you wish he wouldn't do and not do things you wish he would do. A relationship is an imperfect union between two willing spirits who say, ''I'd rather be in a relationship and share my life, share my joys, share my fun, share my activities, share my life than do it alone." If you want to be in a relationship, know that getting hurt comes with the territory. You just have to decide that you are durable enough, that you have enough confidence in yourself that you can handle it.
    
    
12. Don't invest more than you can afford to lose. While it's important to move forward, you need to take things one step at a time. Don't put so much out there that you'll be emotionally bankrupt if things go south.
    
    
13. Don't beat yourself up. You got through your last experience, you've learned from it, and now it's time to move forward. Dr. Phil tells his guest, "You'll move on and be a champion in your next endeavor as you did in your past ... Life is not a success-only journey. You are going to get beat up along the way."
    
    
14. Focus on yourself. All of us come into relationships with baggage, but you need to have closure on past experiences before you can start a new relationship with the odds in your favor. Dr. Phil tells a guest who's had trouble with her father, her brother and two previous husbands: "Unless and until you've figured out everything you've got to figure out about that and you get closure, you will never come into a relationship with a fresh and clean heart and mind and expectancy and attitude." You're probably not ready to get into another relationship until you heal the wounds of your past.
    
    
15. Listen to what he's saying. If he's telling you that you want different things out of life and there's no way you can work as a couple, don't turn his words around into what you want to hear. He's being quite clear.
    
    
16. Know the statistics. Dr. Phil tells a guest who's waiting for her ex to come around: "There's a 50/50 chance a marriage is going to work if both people are head over heels in love, passionate and willing to climb the mountain, swim the river and slay the dragon to get to each other. That's with everybody crazy in love and running toward each other in that field that we see in the commercials. The problem you've got here is he's running the other way in the field! So if it's 50/50 when you're running toward each other, what do you think it is when the other person is running out of the field and hiding in the woods?"