My Oh My

"What on earth is going on in my head?
You know, I used to be so sharp
You know, I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love was for
I look around these days
I'm not so sharp,
No, nah, nah.......
My oh my, it just don't stop...."
(David Gray)

Most days, I feel that my cognitive side is working at half capacity at best. I used to have so many words running around in my head. For as long as I can remember, I've considered myself a writer, a wordsmith, a communicator. But these days, it feels like mostly blank space.....little blips of intelligent, creative thought separated by a great expanse of flatland. It scares me. I find myself not even wanting to engage in much conversation because my brain feels tired. Then there's this other feeling, like I don't want to be bothered. I want to be left alone more. I don't feel unhappy when I'm like that so I don't think it would count as depression. It just feels like there is so much I need to do in any given day but very little energy and time free of pain in which to do it. I don't do well with the constant stop and start tactic that has become my life. I get distracted and too often don't get back to the task I was trying to accomplish. I used to be proud of being a good multi-tasker but nowadays, it just feels like I'm whirling around. I love the rare times that I can start something and be uninterrupted until it is completed. Like when I'm "gutting out" the kids rooms (if you saw the mess, you would know what I mean) and rearranging it to make it more efficient for them or putting little touches to make it homey and tailored to them. I feel good about it. I feel like a good mother. I feel like it is an act of love. But I need to go in there and stay for about an hour or two. When I do that, I'm amazed at how much I can accomplish. And talk about a high! When it is all finished and I stand in the doorway and see the look of gratitude and delight on their faces, I'm on top of the world. It isn't just with their rooms. I feel that way when I can really clean any room in the house and organize it. But I'm just one person. I'm good at doing things like that but I still have all of the other household/kid-related things to take care of at the same time. Forget about any time I want to myself to nurture me. I've given up on expecting my husband to nurture or take care of little things for me. It's just not going to happen. I just would like it if he took care of some things so that I could carve out that time for myself. Not even big chunks of time (although that would be nice, too) but even just "mini-vacations"....a few minutes here and there to drink my coffee without interruption, etc. Sometimes I get it. Most times I don't. The worst is when I really am in desperate need of a nap and Aidan isn't in the mood for one. Especially lately with this debilitating fatique (doctor thinks it's mono. oh joy). My husband almost always brings Aidan up to me. I feel like I could jump out my skin when he does that. Because usually, by that time, each one of the other kids have been in there needing something. It seems like just when I really start to get comfortable and fall asleep (which takes forever), there's that squeaking of my bedroom door with someone else wanting something. There have been times, in my desperate tiredness, I've contemplated going up the street to the Landmark Inn and getting a room just so I could get a nap. I've even gone so far as getting in the car. But then I realize how pricey that would be for our already over-extended paycheck.